The Gentle Art of Compassionate Curiosity: How to Help People Feel Seen

Discover the gentle art of compassionate curiosity – listening like Jesus, asking better questions, and helping others feel truly seen

Have you ever shared something hard with someone – something raw, vulnerable, still tender – and instead of feeling comforted, you walked away feeling more alone than ever?

Maybe you’ve said through tears, “I just miss my mom so much,” and the response to grieving your loved one was, “Well, at least she’s in a better place.”

Or maybe you’ve confided, “I feel so anxious right now,” only to hear, “Don’t worry. Just trust God.”

Even when these responses come from a good heart, they can shut down conversations instead of opening them up. They unintentionally communicate, “Don’t feel what you’re feeling. You’re fine. Paste on a smile and move on.”

We aren’t always good at talking about hard things with each other. But what if there’s a different way? A way that looks more like Jesus?

Why “Just” and “At Least” Responses Hurt More Than Help

Words like just and at least sneak into our conversations all the time:

• “Just be thankful you still have your health.”
• “At least you can try again.”
• “God is still good.”

Yes, those statements may be true. But jumping there too quickly skips the step of really seeing the person who is hurting.

Assumptions can make people feel invisible. If you assume everyone who loses a loved one must feel angry, you might completely miss the one who is actually feeling numb at that moment.

What people long for when they share vulnerably is not advice or quick fixes. They long to be seen.

El Roi: The God Who Sees Us in Our Pain

One of my favorite names of God is El Roi, “the God who sees me” (Genesis 16:13). When Hagar was desperate and alone, God met her in the wilderness and reminded her that she was not invisible. He saw her pain.

Isn’t that exactly what our hearts crave when we’re struggling? To know that someone sees us, not just the surface-level view of our situation.

And as image-bearers of God, we have the beautiful opportunity to reflect His heart by seeing others with the same compassionate gaze.

How Jesus Showed Compassion in the Gospels

All throughout the Gospels, Jesus noticed people others overlooked. He saw the woman at the well (John 4). He stopped for the bleeding woman who touched His robe (Mark 5). He had compassion on the crowds because “they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36 ESV).

But what strikes me is how He didn’t rush past people’s pain.

When Jesus encountered the man at the pool of Bethesda, who had been disabled for thirty-eight years, He asked, “Do you want to be healed?” (John 5:6 ESV). At first, that question almost seems unnecessary. Of course he did!

But Jesus wasn’t after a quick transaction. He invited the man into self-reflection, giving him space to voice his longing and his reality. That one question honored the man’s dignity, rather than treating him like a problem to fix.

Jesus often asked questions like this. He asked blind Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51). Again, He already knew! But He wanted Bartimaeus to say it out loud, to name his need. That act of naming was part of the healing.

With the woman at the well in John 4, He could have skipped straight to revealing Himself as the Messiah. Instead, He engaged her in conversation, asked her to share her story, and gently invited her to recognize her deeper thirst. He didn’t just point out truth. He walked her into it through relational presence.

And when the bleeding woman touched His robe in Mark 5, Jesus didn’t just let her slip away healed in anonymity. He stopped. He turned. He asked, “Who touched me?” Not because He didn’t know, but because He wanted her to step into the light, to be seen, to receive more than physical healing. She received restoration, dignity, and peace.

In all of these moments, Jesus leaned in with compassion by:

• Not rushing to solutions but first seeing the person.
• Asking questions that invited them to voice their experience.
• Offering His presence – His time, His attention, and His gaze before offering His power.

That’s a model worth following.

Practical Ways to Show Empathy Instead of Fixing

So how do we do this in real life? One simple tool is what I call compassionate curiosity.

Instead of assuming, we ask. Instead of fixing, we wonder. Instead of jumping ahead, we sit with.

Here are a few empathy-building questions you can use the next time someone shares something hard:

• “What has that been like for you?”
• “How are you feeling about it right now?”
• “What kind of support would help you most today?”
• “What’s been the hardest part for you this week?”

These aren’t perfect formulas. They’re invitations. They give space for the other person to put words to their experience, which can be very helpful in processing hard things.

An Example from My Own Life

My friend Laurie is one of the best at this. We “walk together” over the phone five mornings a week – she’s in Arizona and I’m in Texas.

I might tell her for the 500th time, “I had a rough night of sleep.” Instead of dismissing it or saying, “Well, you’ll get through it like you always do,” she’ll ask, “So how are you waking up this morning?”

That question has changed the entire course of my day more times than I can count. Because some mornings I feel tired but steady. Other mornings I feel irritable and on edge. And sometimes I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread.

Her compassionate curiosity helps me feel seen. And it also helps me reflect, putting words to how I’m really doing.

Supporting One Another in the Body of Christ

Galatians 6:2 tells us, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (ESV).

Sometimes that looks like practical help: organizing a meal train, picking up kids from school, running errands.

Other times, it looks like emotional support: listening, checking in, giving space for tears without rushing to fix them.

Both matter. Both reflect the heart of Jesus.

Creating Safe Places to Process

When we meet people with compassionate curiosity, we give them a safe place to process. We deepen our relationships. And we point each other back to Jesus – not by skipping to the end of the story, but by sitting together in the middle of it.

Yes, we remind one another of God’s goodness and faithfulness. But let’s not rush there before first echoing His compassionate heart: I see you.

It’s not the only way to see others well, but it is a way that has been so important in my own walk with Christ.

It’s something that has changed my life and my relationships, and I pray it changes yours, too. 💜

Have you ever felt “missed” when you were going through something especially difficult? What do you wish they’d said to you instead?