“In affectionate remembrance of Bazball cricket, which died at The Adelaide Oval, 18th December, 2025.
Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing cult members and sycophants, RIP.
NB The body will be cremated and the Ashes taken from Australia.”
The Bazball era is as dead as the ashes inside cricket’s most famous urn after England yet again collapsed in a heap on day two of the third Test at Adelaide Oval.
On a Thursday full of DRS drama in scorching temperatures, the Poms were ice cold as they turned a relatively competitive overnight scoreline into a situation where only the miracle of miracles will keep them in this match and the series.
But the reality is that after losing the first two Tests, they are all but certain to go down in this one and a 5-0 clean sweep to the Aussies beckons in the closing matches at Melbourne and Sydney.
They will resume on Friday at 8-213, trailing by 158 in a series which seems to be mirroring the famous 2006-07 Ashes demolition.
After the DRS rub of the green went against them on day one, they had a couple of decisions go their way, most notably and controversially when Jamie Smith appeared to glove Pat Cummins to Usman Khawaja at slip.
But he was given not out because Snicko indicated the ball hit his helmet even though replays suggest it was clearly off his glove.
There were also doubts over whether Khawaja had cleanly taken the chance before it hit the turf as he lunged forward.
It increased the pressure on the umpires needed after Alex Carey was incorrectly given a reprieve on day one on his way to his century by what the Snicko operators later admitted was a technological error.
But ultimately, the umpiring won’t be anywhere near close to becoming a deciding factor.
England’s hyped-up, high-octane batting style has been put on the backburner and it doesn’t matter.
Whether they swing for the fences or operate at a more traditional run rate around three per over as they did on Thursday, the Ben Stokes-led side simply doesn’t have the class to bring down Pat Cummins’ team, particularly on Australian soil.
England have actually benefited from the locals being weakened by the absence of star quick Josh Hazlewood for the series and Cummins for the first two Tests with batting maestro Steve Smith ruled out of this match.
But none of that has mattered because the Australians have an embarrassment of riches with their depth with the likes of Scott Boland, Brendan Doggett, Jake Weatherald and Michael Neser, for the Brisbane Test, stepping up with allrounder Beau Webster unlucky not to get a run at all.
In the other dressing room there is little to no accountability for poor performances, especially the pampered batters, and not much in reserve among the travelling squad to plug the many holes in the leaky line-up.
The fact that Ollie Pope continues to get selected at No.3 – traditionally the spot where a team’s best batter resides – is laughable.
After his meagre contribution of three, he now has 175 runs from 11 trips to the crease in Australia at a tailender-like average of 15.9.
England’s second day in Adelaide was summed up by the fact that the only batter to raise the willow to commemorate a milestone was Mitchell Starc after he took his overnight tally of 33 to 54.
After former England captain Michael Vaughan claimed day one honours for the visitors when they restricted Australia to 8-326, the early momentum swung to the hosts when the tail extended their total to 371.
And Cummins did not take long to make an impact with his first spell of the series, producing a pearler of a leg-cutter to snick Zak Crawley off for nine.
Pope’s pathetic swipe from the third ball of Nathan Lyon’s first over went no further than Josh Inglis at short mid-wicket before Ben Duckett’s promising 29 ended at the hands of the same bowler.
“This is no good from Ollie Pope, that’s too soft,” was Vaughan’s assessment on Fox Sports and that was being kind.
Lyon went past Glenn McGrath’s 563 into second place on Australia’s all-time wicket-takers’ list when he conjured up sharp turn which evaded Duckett’s forward push before pushing back the off stump.
“That was a nice one,” Lyon said after stumps.
After being dropped for Brisbane’s second Test, the off-spinner GOAT showed there is still plenty of life left in his 38-year-old legs.
Joe Root was nearly on his way for one but third umpire Chris Gaffaney gave him a life when he ruled the nick didn’t quite carry to Carey.
But there was no such conjecture when he prodded at Cummins on 19 to continue his habit of being drawn forward by the Aussie captain into nothing shots that often lead to his downfall.
At 4-71, the situation was dire for England and Harry Brook responded with measured resistance alongside Stokes for a 56-run stand.
But the introduction of Cameron Green paid immediate dividends when Brook presented Carey with a regulation catch on 45.
Smith didn’t stick around much longer after his contentious near-miss with Cummins getting revenge when a mistimed pull was nicked to Carey and the replays showed both a clear snick and an exemplary low catch.
Scott Boland removed Will Jacks (six) and Brydon Carse (duck) to briefly bring the follow-on into the equation at 8-168 before Stokes and Jofra Archer dug in until stumps.
Carey latched onto a chance up to the stumps from Jacks before Boland castled Carse.
Stokes was cramping up in the heat as he battled for 153 deliveries to be unbeaten on 45 while Archer, who had earlier polished off the last couple of wickets to snare 5-53, embarrassed his top-order comrades with a composed 30.
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