By now we have all probably seen the video that went viral last night from the war-torn streets of Washington DC, where a guy threw an entire submarine sandwich at an FBI agent. You need to realize that before Donald Trump deployed the military and law enforcement against the American people last night, DC was just full of uncontained and unaccounted for sandwiches. Now with Trump’s MAGA militia in town, those sandwiches will be neutralized.
So that was just an example video of what happens in the City That Hurt Big Balls.
OK, maybe the city didn’t hurt Big Balls, more like a 15-year-old girl hurt Big Balls, and she was in the city at the time. (Bet she and the 15-year-old boy who also hurt Big Balls ate a sandwich that day.)
Trump To ‘Federalize’ DC Because Big Balls Got Beat Up
The point is that the mean streets are scary, Washington DC is scary, never mind that the crime rate is way down, especially the violent crime rate (that means the kind that involves sandwiches), and the biggest babydick pussy ass bitches in America are frightened.
We are of course talking about conservative white men.
So the biggest Tough White Guys in the Trump administration and the Republican Congress went out on TV last night in their Conservative Guy Scared Of Cities costumes to reassure their fellow terrified pantshitting weenushole white men that Big Daddy Donald Trump was on the case, that he was deploying the military in DC to go find the sandwiches, and that everything would be OK.
And who’s the biggest babydick of them all? That’s right, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.
Hegseth said:
“I think the vast majority of DC folks, they may not want to say it, especially if they’re left of center, but under their breath and quietly they would welcome a peaceful city where their friends and families can come visit and be safe.”
Hahahahahaha, OK, let’s break this down a little bit. Because just before that Hegseth pursed his lips and talked about the “thugs and the gangs and the criminals,” signaling that what this is about for the Trump administration, and for the Fox News audience at home — which used to be his audience, so he knows — is reassurances that they’re going to protect them from Black people. (It’s always about Black people, existing.) It does not matter that we are talking about Black people in a city most of their viewers would never visit even if they weren’t scared of it. These people are such cowards they’re afraid simply knowing that there are Black people, somewhere out there.
Judging by all his racist actions since becoming Defense secretary, it’s clear Secretary Shitfaced feels the same way.
Pete (Hic!) Hegseth’s Confederate Monuments Boner Resulting In Predictable Offenses To History, Common Decency
So in that quote up there, Hegseth is employing a tactic, a coping mechanism really, employed by all white racist cowards, the one that assumes that everybody else is secretly as big of a racist, and as much of a little bitch, as they are, they’re just not brave enough to say it.
Hegseth refers to the “vast majority of DC folks,” but it’s fairly obvious he’s thinking about white people when he thinks of legitimate DC residents. (As of the last Census, DC was approximately 41 percent Black, and around 38 percent white.)
And then — this is crucial — he identifies himself with that 38 percent and assumes he can speak for them, saying that “they would welcome a peaceful city where their friends and families can come visit and be safe.” As if the vast majority of white residents in this city that gave Kamala Harris 90.28 percent of its vote in 2024 secretly feel just like Pete Hegseth feels.
Again, it’s an affliction every white racist conservative has, especially their men. They are all so scared, so racist, and their fears are so all-encompassing that they cannot imagine that other people who look like them don’t also feel like them. And since conservative white men are so eat up with masculinity issues and always obsessed with proving they are the manly ones, they imagine that they are participating in an act of bravery by speaking these fears out loud.
Compare this to Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy being scared of the subway. “[N]obody really wants to ride them,” said Duffy, in the process of taking a fearful Caucasian male shit in his pants, and assuming he can authoritatively speak about what “nobody” wants to do.
“This is what the American people voted for,” insisted Hegseth to fellow white pants-shitting racist Laura Ingraham, referring to the bare plurality of Americans who voted for Stupid Hitler, none of whom live in Washington DC. He fearfully fantasized about people “tak[ing] a shot” at National Guardsmen, as if that’s been happening.
Again, what a little bitch.
But he wasn’t the only one. Other Republican white men have been rushing to the airwaves to say “Me too! Me too! I’m scared! I am scared just like you! We are all just scared!”
Here is Senator Rick Scott:
SCOTT: “The first thing I tell everybody when they’re gonna come to DC is I say, ‘You need to be careful. You need to be careful where you stay, you need to be careful where you walk, you shouldn’t be out after dark.’ You’ve gotta be very careful up here.”
Get a grip, you cowardly little white bitch. Normal people do not say that to their guests. They do not say it in DC. They do not say it in New York. They do not say it in Minneapolis or Los Angeles. They say, “Ooh, I am going to take you to the best restaurant tonight!” and things like that.
Rep. Tim Burchett of Tennessee:
BURCHETT: “You don’t wanna go out in the streets at night in Washington DC. […] I come from a family of public educators, that’s one of the reasons I live in my office at night, but the other reason is it’s too dadgum dangerous, brother!”
If you’re a white conservative man drowning in the piss that’s trickling down your leg because you are imagining what it might be like to see a Black person in a city, you are not alone. Pete Hegseth, Rick Scott, and Tim Burchett are here to tell you it’s OK to be a coward, because they are too.
And so is everybody else, even the liberals.
They’re just not brave enough to say it like we are, are they!
That’s right, there, there, conservative white men. You’re all big and strong and nobody is calling you a pussy behind your backs and also to your faces.
Bless your delicate white baby loser hearts.
Want to read more Evan than just what’s at Wonkette? Visit The Moral High Ground and subscribe to it!
Follow me on Instagram!
And on BlueSky!
And on Facebook!
Here, a LinkTree!
www.wonkette.com (Article Sourced Website)
#Pete #Hegseth #Reassures #Conservative #White #Men #Scared #Washington