Markwayne Mullin Wins ‘Big P*ssy Scared Of Cities Award,’ Everybody Good Luck Next Year!

Late-breaking entry in this week’s games!

What games, you ask? Why, the games of searching through the entire MAGA movement to find THE ONE white conservative man who is a scared-ier chickenshit microdick loser baby than all the rest, the one who gets the MOST scared when he walks down the street and sees a Black person, the one who is MOST likely to feel the need to take a gun with him when he goes to the bathroom, the Big Tough Man who is, you know, just the biggest pussy.

Obviously the backdrop here is Donald Trump, El Presidente Microdick, attacking and invading the nation’s capital because a large-headed boy named Big Balls allegedly got beat up by a 15-year-old girl and her 15-year-old friend, and now this is like their Reichstag Fire, except for instead of flames bellowing throughout the Reichstag, it is shits bellowing throughout all their panties.

We thought surely the winner of the Chickenshit Microdick Loser Baby Games would be Defense Secretary Pete “Shitfaced” Hegseth, because come on, name a bigger Chickenshit Microdick Loser Baby, we’ll wait. And he sure does always show us what a fearful little boy he is, always standing behind his Daddy Donald Trump and laughing at his jokes and always looking like he’s about to flinch.

Pete Hegseth Reassures Conservative White Men It’s OK To Be Scared Of Washington DC

And then yesterday we talked about Benny Johnson, oh boy, that guy, seemingly making up stories out of whole cloth about Washington DC being so scary they arsoned his baby during a nuclear cartel war while hurling racial slurs at him personally. What were those the racial slurs? Don’t care, probably something about mayonnaise.

Every conservative white man in the movement has brought his Chickenshit Microdick Loser Baby A-Game to these games, but we have a late entry that might outdo them all.

You know Pete Hegseth, but do you all remember the Republican senator during Hegseth’s SignalGate scandal who was his most ridiculously beclowned licky fluffer of them all? The man who tweeted this:

Hahahahahahahaha, it is still as funny as the day it happened.

I will lead the breach. I will lay down cover fire. I will take the high ground. I’ll expose myself to enemy fire to communicate. We must bring back integrity, focus, and put the Warfighter first inside DOD. I stand with @SecDef @PeteHegseth [FLAG EMOJI]

Sir! This is an Arby’s and you are a United States senator! Put your dick back in your pants and have some motherfuckin’ dignity, my God.

(Also, Markwayne Mullin is a fucking plumber. What breach is he leading, the one against leaky pipes? Fuck off, whitey.)

Secretary Sh*tfaced Couldn’t Wait 10 MINUTES To Pull Down Pants And Show Family His War Plans

So yeah, that guy has a story about how Washington DC scares him as a defenseless white conservative little bitch man. Do you want to hear it?

Be prepared, because you may never stop laughing at Markwayne.

It happened during a Fox News interview with Brian Kilmeade, who kicked things off by shitting his own white conservative man pants and asking Mullin if he really believes Chuck Schumer when he says that he feels “perfectly safe” walking around in Washington DC, like some guy who isn’t a coward.

No, said Markwayne! Nobody has ever felt safe in Washington DC! Chuck Schumer walks into his limo, says Markwayne! He doesn’t walk by himself! Chuck Schumer is a chickenshit microdick loser baby bitch just like all the rest of us MAGA men!

Mullin proceeded to tell Brian Kilmeade all the scary things about DC, like for instance it “smells like you’re walking into a pot farm, because I mean it is just smells like pot everywhere, people are openly smoking.” (Oklahoma has the most pot stores per capita of any state, is Markwayne scared of “Oklahoma”?) Also “you have these mopeds running around with no license plates that just zip in and out of traffic!” Oh no, Markwayne, are there Black boys on mopeds?

Also he says there are homeless people.

Mullin whined and whined about how the REAL crime numbers are higher than they say, he just knows it, because he’s a little scared MAGA man and he FEELS like they’re higher. Also he sidebarred into some rant at the DC mayor, who he kept referring to as “he” and “racist,” so we don’t know what that hick babbling was about.

But then he got to it, his great entry in the MAGA Weenus Loser Crybaby Contest:

MULLIN: I’m not joking when I say this.

You’re gonna wish for his sake that he was.

MULLIN: I drive around in Washington DC in my Jeep and yes, I do drive myself, and I don’t buckle up, and the reason why I don’t buckle up, and people can say whatever they want to, they can raise their eyebrows at me again, is because of carjacking. I don’t want to be stuck in my vehicle when I need to exit in a hurry because I got a seatbelt around me. And I wear my seatbelt all the time, but in Washington DC I do not because it is so prevalent of carjacking! And I don’t want the same thing to happen to me what’s happened to a lot of people that work on the Hill!

He was talking so fast and manic, like that dachshund who’s always posing on the internet with pew-pew guns, except Markwayne Mullin is not cute like that dog.

So Markwayne Mullin drives around in his Barbie Jeep and he doesn’t wear his seatbelt, which is illegal and also makes him more likely to die in a car accident, but also he thinks being in a belt makes it easier to carjack him.

Maybe he means he drives his Barbie Jeep with the doors off, in which case a better “LEAD THE BREACH! LAY DOWN COVER FIRE!” first step to prevent carjacking would be to put the doors back on, you inbred, mouthbreathing halfwit.

But sure, whatever makes Markwayne feel safe. After all, Big Balls allegedly got beat up by a girl during an attempted carjacking, and if the person getting carjacked had been a big strong man with tears in his eyes who wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, none of this would have ever happened.

Hey, remember that time Markwayne Mullin tried to start a physical fight with a union leader in the middle of a Senate hearing because he’s a little priss with Little Man Syndrome, and then later said he did that because his Oklahoma constituents are counting on him (to be such a little bitch)?

Markwayne Mullin Has Histrionic Pissyfits In Senate Hearings Because Them’s Oklahoma Values

Yeah.

These white conservative men, they are not OK, they are scared of their own shadows, and that is why we have to have fascism now, to keep these little weenuses from pissing down their own legs in abject fear every time they have to go in public.

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