How the internet reacted to the fifth Ashes Test

It was Ussie’s last dance in Test cricket, at the place where it all began for him 15 years ago. The Sydney Test, bathed in pink, where the hosts were walking on to the SCG without a recognised spinner for the first time in more than a century.

Here’s how the internet reacted to the fifth Ashes Test.

Day one

England won the toss and elected to bat — the SCG pitch looked rather better than its Melbourne counterpart.

Ben Duckett raced away into the 20s at better than a run a ball, but Mitchell Starc got him nicking, the fifth time in as many Tests the Aussie left-armer has claimed Duckett’s wicket.

Zak Crawley was then dismissed LBW by Michael Neser, after a rueful review, and Jacob Bethell was seen feathering an edge to Alex Carey, and England were suddenly 3-57.

The bowling had been decent, but not good enough to induce this mini-collapse.

“Guys are playing at balls they probably shouldn’t,” remarked Stuart Clark on ABC Radio.

“It’s the story of the series,” replied Jim Maxwell.

But not, it turned out, the story of the second session, as Joe Root and Harry Brook tightened things up after lunch, putting on a three-figure partnership and shaking off the wobbles of those early wickets.

They were striding away with momentum as Cameron Green came into the attack, and was soundly tonked.

He was the most expensive bowler on day one, having bowled just eight overs. He has three wickets in the series, at an average of 71. With the bat, he has averaged 18.

The addendum that seems to be added to any discussion of Green is, “but he’s a player of huge promise for the future”, which is a big relief because he’s a player of thorough mediocrity in the present.

With that thought, there was a foreboding clap of thunder for the future of Australian cricket … hold on, no, that actually came from the skies over the SCG, as play was halted for bad light and the threat of rain.

Play would not resume, England would end the day 3-211 after 45 overs, firmly in control of the final dead-rubber Ashes Test for 2025/26.

Day two

Australia played a bizarre slip-less field to start day two. Then Smith was put in as a solitary slip and caught Brook for 84 off Scott Boland.

Ben Stokes was surprised by a bouncing Starc delivery that flashed past the edge. Not given by the umpire, it was reviewed and a small blip appeared on Snicko, one frame after the ball passed the bat.

After a slightly protracted back-and-forthing of the replay during a review in which the third umpire requested the wrong kind of edge-detecting technology, he was given out for a duck.

Joe Root was trundling toward his second century of the series. He edged the ball over and then short of the slips on 98. He crept to 99. Then he seized it.

Patiently, thoughtfully, a composed innings that England needed, as is nearly always the case with Root. He was muted in his celebration, kissing the badge on his bat, a small, modest fist pump as he ran the sealing runs, and another Jordan-esque shrug. His 41st Test century, level with Ricky Ponting.

Then Green’s series got even worse: he had Jamie Smith chipping a ball to Marnus Labuschagne at cover, neatly caught. But Green had overstepped, a no ball, agony.

The very next ball, Smith flipped a thick edge through at head-height, past Beau Webster and Alex Carey in the cordon, who were both perhaps still stewing in a stupor of disappointment. A terrible sequence; it ain’t easy being Green.

It was easy and breezy batting for England, as Travis Head came on to bowl some part-time spin.

“Australia have said ‘no Lyon, no good,'” said Jim Maxwell.

Marnus Labuschagne then came on to bowl trundling medium pace.

“This is a joke,” said Maxwell, as Australia spread the field.

Smith then miscued but very much on cue, hit the ball straight to Boland deep cover: “It’s very sad to see a vindication of that kind of bowling and cricket,” said Maxwell.

“I’m speechless,” replied Jason Gillespie.

The new ball was taken after lunch. It couldn’t prevent Root strolling to his 150.

The wicket was offering up some odd bounce and movement, and Neser got Will Jacks befuddled with a combination of the two, a leading edge to Green.

Green then drew Brydon Carse into an edge, taken by Carey; Joe Root was running out of partners, 40-odd runs away from a double-ton.

It wouldn’t be a shortage of partners that would undo Root, but concentration, as a miscue gave Neser a tough caught-and-bowled opportunity that he took. Root was applauded raucously as he walked off for 160.

Neser then clean-bowled Josh Tongue, the ball giving the off-stump a good licking. All-out for 384.

The Aussie openers came out and Head got cracking, attacking Matthew Potts and Carse, punishing balls that were too short, wide or straight. He smashed four boundaries off a single Potts over, each more sneering than the last.

Root dropped a tough chance in the slips, Duckett had a much easier chance but dropped Jake Weatherald. England has had hot streaks with the ball, spells of incendiary stroke play with the bat, but consistent has been their incompetence in the field.

Weatherald was out LBW, his odd habit of leaning over and crouching excessively as the ball is delivered seems to be an issue for leg-before; many of his dismissals this series have seen the ball crashing into his pads as he teeters over.

But Head was far more steady as the evening set in, bringing up his 50, preying on just the kind of bowling tailor-made for him to feast on.

Marnus Labuschagne was out 15 minutes before stumps, nicking off to a Ben Stokes ball finally delivered on the right length.

In the previous Stokes over, the England captain had had a robust verbal exchange with Marnus, putting his arm around him, and then telling him to “Shut the f*** up.” Marnus’s mouth was tersely shut as he walked off.

Neser came out as nightwatchman, and at stumps had survived, with Head on 91.

Day three

Head got his century early on in the day; “Magnificence from ball one,” said Stuart Clark on ABC radio.

Head has always made the task of batting look so easy; his innings in Perth was the most astounding example of that, but that he’s now doing this while opening the batting is even more astonishing.

England were getting demoralised seeing Head take their bowlers apart, particularly Potts. And more pain was to come as Head skied a shot straight to Will Jacks on the boundary, and watched as Jacks fumbled the catch.

Jonathan Agnew was agog on ABC radio, calling it a chance “that you’d toss your granny in the backyard”.

England wasted their two remaining reviews on Neser, but the nightwatchman was eventually out, caught behind; he had faced 90 balls, job done.

More dropped chances, more scorching boundaries by Head, and more pain for Potts, who brought up his ignoble ton as a bowler, conceding 100 runs off just 91 balls. Australia 3-281 at lunch.

Bethell had Head given out for LBW, Bethell wheeling away in a half-“celebrappeal”. Head reviewed but it was hitting the leg stump.

The ovation for Head (163) as he walked off bled beautifully into the fervent welcome Khawaja received as he walked on, in his final Test match.

Ussie looked nervous, even in the listless overs England were bowling trying to hurry to the new ball.

The new ball was tricky for him too, and on 17 Khawaja was trapped LBW, a swooping Carse ball that curled onto his right foot, destined for leg stump.

He walked off, to huge applause, disappointment and a little sorrow etched on his face.

Carey was also disappointed when he got out, turning the ball down the leg side straight to a purposefully placed Bethell at leg gully, the exact same way he got out in Melbourne.

Green came in with an opportunity to make a meaningful score on a pitch as good for batting as any to have appeared in the series thus far; if Green couldn’t make runs here, in clear conditions, with the Ashes retained, then the doubters would be right.

Meanwhile, Smith, hitherto unmentioned, was into the 70s, and we were getting the full Smudge experience, twitching at the crease, mimicking gestures of unexpected ball movement, and complaints about visual interference taken to a new level when he asked Carse, who was fielding, to turn his sunglasses around because they were reflecting the sun in a funny way.

Later, he was seen attempting to execute a full backward roll while ducking a Tongue bouncer.

Green was ably supporting Smith, but hoicked up a short ball to a fielder on the leg side. He slammed his bat into the turf, incredibly frustrated, out for 37.

“It won’t keep the dogs at ease,” said Stuart Clark on ABC radio.

Smith then took centre stage; he crept to 97 in singles, and then, with an unorthodox paddle down to fine leg, made his century running three.

He had, on the way, become the second-highest Aussie run-scorer in Ashes history, behind only Don Bradman, and as they say, he’s the best since.

At stumps, Smith was 129, Webster was 42, Australia’s lead was 134 and the England team was absolutely knackered.

Day four

The Aussie innings rather frittered out on day four, as Smith, Starc, then Boland all got out within an hour, with Australia leading by 183.

Webster was unbeaten with 71 — surely that alone puts him ahead of Green in the all-rounder-who-is-also-large pecking order.

Stokes also limped off, possibly a groin injury. Valiant Stokes bowled himself into the ground, they’ll say, but a short-ball strategy is harder on quicks; Wood, Archer, Atkinson and now Stokes, the bulk of the fearsome pace battery England boasted heading into the series haven’t been able to finish it.

Starc opened the bowling and had Crawley out LBW in the opening over. Crawley hadn’t played a shot.

Compare Starc to any of the England bowlers who couldn’t cut it; Starc has played every Ashes Test, bowling over 140km/h in all, taking vital wickets in all, making vital runs too.

The England pacemen are those shiny, flimsy non-stick frypans that you buy at the supermarket; they warp over the flame, their Teflon flakes and their handles fall off — you can insert your own Potts pun here.

Starc is the premium cast-iron skillet, perfectly seasoned, ever-reliable, searing hot, and he has cooked.

Duckett was handed a lifeline, Green dropped a chance, diving across Smith at first slip, for whom the catch would have been regulation.

Duckett chopped on shortly after lunch for his highest score of the series, 42.

Bethell was doing very well, getting to a maiden Ashes half-century.

Root, however, found it quite slow going and was dismissed LBW by Boland, having faced 37 balls for just six runs. He walked off, perhaps for the final time in Test cricket on these shores.

But England were shaving away at Australia’s lead, and went past it after tea.

And Bethell was looking every bit at home at this level, as he calmly, with precision, brought up his maiden first-class ton, with his family tearful and smiling in the crowd.

But when Brook was out LBW after a very good, rather unlikely review, a small collapse began around the centurion, as Jacks then slogged wildly his second ball after coming in for Brook, and was superbly caught by Boland.

“Not for the first time this match, Tuffers, I’m absolutely speechless,” said Agnew on ABC radio.

“Where’s the cricketing intelligence?” replied Tufnel.

Smith and Bethell pushed the England lead out to 81.

And Marnus came on to bowl his intoxicating, ridiculous medium pace, and just as it had beguiled Smith in the first innings, Smith was promptly run out at the bowler’s end, by Marnus, after a mix-up. He just can’t help but succumb.

Stokes limped on, and then limped off for one, caught by Smith off Webster. Stokes just shook his head, more in resignation than frustration.

“That caps off a pretty rotten day for the England captain,” said Jason Gillespie on ABC radio.

And outside of Bethell, it was a pretty rotten day for his team, too, as they were eight down at stumps with a lead of 119.

Day five

Australia, led out on the final day by Usman Khawaja, hurried to the new ball.

Bethell held on for a while, but was caught behind off Starc for 154. He was given a standing ovation. It was Starc’s 30th wicket of the series.

Tongue followed, and Australia needed 160 to win the fifth Ashes Test.

Head and Weatherald both raced to double figures.

We had time to squeeze in another Snicko controversy before we wrapped the series, as England reviewed a suspected edge on Weatherald, given not out. A small murmur, but not a spike, was seen on review and the not-out call was upheld. Carse was furious.

Head skied a shot to Carse, out for 29, with the target now fewer than 100 runs away.

“Well, he did want to get to the pub quickly, Ali, that’s a 20/20 shot,” said Lehmann on ABC radio.

Weatherald was befuddled by Tongue, a short ball snuck up quickly on him, and he just paddled it straight up over his head, and was caught at fine leg.

Jacks clean-bowled Smith after lunch, to everyone’s surprise.

“That’s the best ball of his life,” said Gillespie on ABC radio.

Khawaja walked out, to huge applause and a guard of honour from the England team.

Bethell dropped Marnus on 21, a difficult chance, but one that Australia has gobbled up all series.

Then Usman chopped on, the final act of his career. He farewelled the crowd, and before he walked off for the final time after 15 years, he knelt and kissed the turf of the SCG.

Labuschagne was run out calamitously immediately afterwards. He tore off down the wicket after beating the first fielder, was sent back, and wasn’t close to making it back to his crease. Australia still needed 39 runs, with five wickets in hand.

Australia made slightly hard work of the chase, but it was never really in doubt after Head and Weatherald had started so quickly; the momentum carried them through despite the stumbles.

And so ended the Ashes. For all of Bazball’s reputation for ultra-aggression, the three tons England made this series, Root’s two, and Bethell’s one, were all made with patient, orthodox Test match play.

Their bowling couldn’t cut it, finishing the series with nearly an entirely different attack than they’d started with. A 4-1 series loss, while an improvement on other recent tours, surely cannot be considered anything other than a terrible result.

Will heads roll in English cricket, or will positions and dogma be reinforced? Like watching Brook wait for a delivery, what happens next may be hard to predict, except that it’s bound to be something ridiculous.

What has been reinforced, though, is that this Australian team’s ability to win, shorthanded, captain-less, in a storm of British bluster, is otherworldly. Starc was the player of the series, Head a close second. Carey was sublime, and hit the winning runs here. Smith stood in as captain admirably. Boland, Webster, Neser, all fine performers.

This team did enough, as they nearly always do, and in the embers of the 2025/26 Ashes, it’s Australia basking in the warm glow of victory.