Last week, Donald Trump told reporters that he doesn’t think he’s going to heaven. It was one of those moments where he seems briefly more introspective, a rare instance when he’s not sundowning about Rosie O’Donnell or dementia-babbling about how Gavin Newscum wouldn’t let him turn on the giant faucet in northern California that would have prevented the wildfires. When people saw the video, they were like “Oh look, he’s not lying for once,” because everybody already knew Trump is going to hell.
Except Eric Trump. He did not know Daddy was going to hell. But then Daddy said that and the whole world was like “Yep, sounds right. Vete a la mierda, bitch!” And that hurt Eric’s feelings and scared him, and also he has a shitty straight-to-remainders book to sell.
So he ran off to MAGA podcaster and serial liar Benny Johnson, who’s been in the news lately for cosplaying as an AI Batman beating up immigrants in Chicago, and also for some other reasons too. Did Benny reassure Eric, who seemed to be near tears, he was so passionate about his daddy not going to hell? Did he say, “There, there, Eric, it’s OK. You’re going to hell too, your whole family is going there together”?
He did not. Which was very rude of him, we think.
Eric knows Daddy isn’t going to hell, though, because Daddy saved God and Jesus. From what? Eric does not know, he was just running his mouth to Benny Johnson, trying to negotiate Daddy out of hell.
So that was some fuckin’ weird shit.
Eric began by extolling the virtues of Daddy’s Middle East peace deal that definitely will last forever (you betcha), and which Daddy accomplished single-handedly without copying off Joe Biden’s paper even a little bit. (Did Netanyahu agree to wait to make a deal until Trump was back in office? Is that what they talked about that day at Mar-a-Lago? We’ll find out eventually.)
Eric attempted to find mystical meaning in the fact that Daddy’s Magic Peace Plan happened THE SAME DAY as the birthday of a slain podcaster. We guess that’s part of the official numerology now.
Then he exclaimed:
ERIC: Look how much better humanity and the world is! We’re saving Christianity. We’ve saving God. We’ve saving the family unit. We’re saving this nation. I mean, DEI is out of the window, Benny.
Is that how you save God and Jesus, you get rid of DEI? Have MAGA Republicans been worried transgender immigrants were going to take God and Jesus’s jobs?
“You no longer have Colin Kaepernick kneeling for the national anthem. You no longer have Budweiser going woke as hell.”
Oh, we see. MAGA God and Jesus are sniveling little culture war bitches who are just as tiny as a common Eric Trump. MAGA God and Jesus are insignificant, needy little pubes with severe masculinity issues and Daddy issues like Pete Hegseth or Mike Johnson.
It’s fun to create God in your own image! And once you’ve done that, it’s a short jump to Daddy saving God!
“All of this is dead. […] We have a return to people going to church.”
Objection, facts not in evidence, but the authoritarian trash regimes in Hungary and Russia like to lie about the religiosity and church attendance of their populations too.
Does America Hate Hungary And Russia Because They Love Jesus? Or Is White Grievance Whinyass Tucker Carlson Saying Something Else Entirely?
Eric babbled a bit more about how now people value their children again (???) and love picket fences, and declared Daddy would get into heaven for all of that.
But maybe he was not so sure? Because he seemed to be pleading the case to Benny. And again, he is grifting for some stupid book he wrote.
Eric continued by explaining one of the ways his Daddy has changed heaven itself:
“I think there is a lot less people going to heaven — meaning, they are going to heaven slower because he stopped the death and destruction around the world.”
Daddy is the deporter-in-chief TO HEAVEN! Sometimes he makes people go there slower. Sometimes he makes them go to heaven faster! Like when he decides to murder random guys in boats and then say without providing evidence that they were cartel bad guys!
And if he gets to build a bunch more concentration camps we bet Eric’s Daddy will really show ‘em how fast he can deport people to heaven!
“I’ve personally witnessed him stop wars where you would have had young men, young women getting killed, getting mortared, getting shelled.”
LOL, sure, pal. Maybe it was some of these seven wars Trump is always saying he stopped, like the longstanding war between Egypt and Ethiopia, or Arbania and Aburpejurp?
Why Is Every World Leader Laughing At Donald Trump Today?
Eric tried to close the deal, just in case God and Benny Johnson forgot:
“If he wasn’t heaven-bound, he wouldn’t have been alive after Butler. If he wasn’t heaven-bound, that flag wouldn’t have folded up like a perfect angel right above his head. If he wasn’t heaven-bound, if he wasn’t meant for this purpose, he wouldn’t have beaten Hillary.”
Indeed, how could God possibly send the guy who squeaked by a technical win in 2016 over Hillary Clinton — with massive reacharounds from James Comey, the FBI, and Russia — to hell?
NO COLLUSION! NO COLLUSION! You Know, Except For ALL THIS F*CKING COLLUSION!
It’s Manafort. It’s Always Been Manafort. And The Senate Intel Committee Seems To Agree!
As for the beginning of that last quote, the thing about Butler, from a scriptural perspective, it sounds a lot less like evidence Trump is going to heaven and more like evidence that his father is the literal Antichrist of Revelation 13:3:
1 And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, with ten horns and seven heads, with ten diadems on its horns and blasphemous names on its heads. 2 And the beast that I saw was like a leopard; its feet were like a bear’s, and its mouth was like a lion’s mouth. And to it the dragon gave his power and his throne and great authority. 3 One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed, and the whole earth marveled as they followed the beast. 4 And they worshiped the dragon, for he had given his authority to the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, “Who is like the beast, and who can fight against it?”
Is Eric’s Daddy the Antichrist? Well, it’s possible. (In which case he’s definitely going to hell.)
But on the other hand, would the Antichrist really have a disgusting neck-gina? We prefer Antichrists without big pervert-looking neck-ginas, we are just saying.
ANYWAY.
Eric’s little “My Daddy saved God and Jesus” routine didn’t actually go over well with pretty much anyone who has any kind of understanding of Christianity or how it works. Some people, even conservative types, thought it was totally fucking blasphemous.
Here’s a good example of the genre, from somebody who worked on the Trump 2020 campaign:
Love how she’s like “Look, I understand a boy wanting his Daddy to go to heaven, a boy being proud of his Daddy, but real talk, bitch, he didn’t fuckin’ save God.”
Meanwhile, Jon Favreau from Pod Save America noted that Eric claiming that Trump literally saved God is kind of apropos for this new perverted MAGA Christianity where every knee must bow to Trump.
It’s not like white conservative Christianity really had much further to fall to start openly fellating graven images of Trump.
In summary and in conclusion, does Eric think God is going to let his Daddy build a gold-plated trash palace in Heaven?
Is Jesus gonna bribe him with a free airplane?
Nah. Maybe Satan, though.
Trump was right the first time.
OPEN THREAD!
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