The funniest thing of all time has happened, you can stop looking for funny things. Ageless wonder hack Chris Cillizza has taken to the pages of the Daily Beast to bemoan the brutal recent vandalism committed against his precious Tesla and the concomitant decline and fall of American civility it demonstrates.
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Can’t we all just get along? And why we gotta make everything about politics? That’s what Cillizza wants to know. It’s not like one of the major parties is virtually indistinguishable from the Nazis at this point, oh wait, yes it is.
Let’s read this together.
Cutting right to the business, Cillizza says he came out to his car after his son’s soccer game in Virginia this week, and found that the Tesla Model 3 had been windows smashed spray-painted with swastikas keyed egged set on fire violently stickered. He produced a picture of the sticker, TRIGGER WARNING for it’s a sticker:
We are surprised the sticker hooligan didn’t include a piece of candy, just to let people know they were a peaceful sticker hooligan. Maybe a homemade Rice Krispie treat. Cillizza still decided to write a full column about the nonetheless painful incident.
You see, when Cillizza bought his Tesla Model 3 during the first Trump administration, he didn’t buy it to say he was a gay liberal climate change affirmer, which is what Tesla meant then. He bought it because it made him feel cool.
Likewise, when he drives his Tesla around now, he doesn’t drive it to say hey, I love Elon Musk and Donald Trump and being a Nazi! He drives it because it makes him feel cool.
When he first bought his Tesla, he was worried a “bro” was going to key it — you know how the “bros” are — or maybe set a charging station on fire!
And now? Libs with stickers!
To me, the vandalism speaks to the idiocy of trying to make everything political. Five or six years ago, my Tesla symbolized everything MAGA world hated. But now it symbolizes everything the left hates?
Things, how do they change! No, he literally means how do they change, because he doesn’t understand:
Doesn’t that suggest that there’s an inherent ephemeralness to what an inanimate object “means” in a political context? If the meaning of owning a certain kind of car can change 180 degrees in the space of a single administration, give or take, isn’t it possible that ascribing meaning to it in the first place was misguided?
How can Chris Cillizza’s Tesla go from being very cool to being a Nazi mating signal in just one presidential administration? Doesn’t that mean giving meanings to things is wrong?
All of these would be good questions if the answers weren’t so mindfuckingly simple, or if everything existed in a vacuum.
One more example: Anytime I post about going to eat at Chick-Fil-A, I get a few comments of this sort: How does HATE taste????
Ooh, we bet he eats Chick-Fil-A in his Tesla too. Wonder how HATE tastes inside SWASTICARS.
Probably tastes like chicken.
But does a sandwich have to be political?
Well, we don’t imagine all sandwiches have to be political, just like all cars don’t have to be political. If you’re eating Popeye’s in your RAV4, we doubt anybody is going to pull up next to you and shout “Sieg heil, queer-hater!”
At least not without some other context for the story that we don’t know.
But that’s the thing here, isn’t it? Chris Cillizza wants to be able to make whatever choices he wants to make, devoid of context, and also devoid of any kind of public criticism. Because freedom for conservative white men in America is defined as “I get to do anything I want, without consequences, and without ever being criticized.”
I didn’t eat it because I wanted to send a message to gay people. I ate it because it was delicious.
Yes, yes, we get it, it’s fine.
I know there are plenty of people out there who will argue some version of this: By eating the sandwich or buying the Tesla, you are lining the pockets of people with views that should be rejected. You are—in the parlance of the times—“normalizing” them and their views.
Yes, we know, and he just wants to eat the sandwich in the car that makes him feel cool, without even having to think about gay-bashing or the people who are murdering starving and sick babies in Africa by destroying the federal government.
He acts like he’s the first one who’s ever discovered this concept:
To this I would say two things:
I am pretty sure Elon Musk and Chick-Fil-A are going to be just fine whether or not I own a Tesla or buy a #1 meal.
If your bar is that you never interact with or buy anything from a company whose founder has taken a position with which you disagree or which has donated to a cause you don’t support, I find it very hard to believe you are going to make any purchases ever. Breaking news: Giant corporations tend to do what makes them the most money, not always what’s “right.”
Yeah, he’s probably right about the Chick-Fil-A. However, Tesla — the car company, not Elon Musk the man — is really hurting right now. Sales are down 87 percent in Quebec. Sales are down 49 percent in Europe. New headlines like that come out every week. And they’re not going away, even as Elon allegedly prepares to “leave” the government, as the excitable and impressionable New York Times is telling us today.
The #TeslaTakedown isn’t going anywhere. That car has become synonymous with Nazis, with incels, with the self-inflicted destruction of the US government, with firing veterans, with hurting immigrants, with every vile and terrible thing Elon and his boss Stupid Hitler have done to America without its consent since January 20.
That’s gonna stick, and it’s gonna stick forever. The #TeslaTakedown is here to stay. In 50 years people are going to be violently taking magic marker to sticker and writing “Elon Musk is a Nazi” and putting it on whatever godawfully ugly shit cars the company is making then, assuming it still exists, and it might not at this rate.
As for his second thing, yes, we know that policing every purchase for the ideological associations of its manufacturer is pretty impossible. Cillizza seems to believe that, such being the case, no manufacturer should ever reap the consequences of their political behavior or that of their South African apartheid scumbag CEO.
We disagree!
Not everything has to be political. You can buy a car because it’s fun to drive without sending some deep signal about where you stand in politics.
Not a Tesla you can’t.
You can eat a sandwich because it’s delicious, not because you have an anti-gay agenda.
He’s really worried somebody is going to put a sticker on his sandwich.
The obsession with making every little bit of our lives into a political statement is, I think, making us all crazy. And driving us further from any sort of recognition of our common humanity.
That’s the end of it. Please note that in the entire column he only produced two (2) examples of this phenomenon that he describes as “making every little bit of our lives into a political statement.” It sounds more to us like he has two (2) favorite products that make his dick hard without any pharmaceutical intervention, and one of them is a sandwich and one of them is a car, and people keep saying things to him about it.
It would be different if he could have labored to come up with even a third thing. (Three things is a pattern, that’s the rule in journalism, idiots.) If he could even muster up a “And then they said I love slavery because I bought the wrong crock pot!” it might be slightly more convincing. Slightly.
But really, to support “every little bit of our lives,” we’re gonna need more than three.
But that would require Chris Cillizza to put in some effort, and we have never seen evidence that he’s willing or capable in that regard.
So, in summary and in conclusion, wank wank wank wank fuck off, Chris Cillizza can take his Tesla through a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru in hell, we don’t give a care, how’s that for common humanity?
A fucking sticker, Jesus fucking Christ.
He wrote this column about a sticker.
He didn’t even suggest it damaged the paint!
Fuck.
[Daily Beast]
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