After my seventh miscarriage I asked, is life worthwhile? Yes it is

Following National leader Christopher Luxon’s comments that New Zealanders need to “have more babies” to help the declining birth rate, we asked Stuff readers who do not have kids to tell us why.

READER REPORT: When I saw the news headline National leader Christopher Luxon says we should ‘have more babies’ last week, I rolled my eyes. “It’s not always that easy Luxon,” I told my phone.

As someone in my mid-30s I am part of the audience Luxon is speaking to. As someone in my mid-30s, I am also capable of making my own decisions.

While I understand the need to reverse our declining birth rate (as a teacher it will literally affect my future), I also know there are many reasons to why someone chooses to not have children.

I can only speak for myself and my own reasons for making this decision. The decision to not have children was not part of my original life plan. In fact, I always wanted to have children. I couldn’t imagine anything better than being a mother and playing that role for the rest of my life.

READ MORE:
* No kids, no regrets. Why I decided motherhood wasn’t for me
* Surrogate for two families never wants own kids
* All the reasons these women won’t ‘have more babies’
* Christopher Luxon has a point: New Zealand needs more people

Yet life has a funny way of throwing us off our chosen course. I didn’t make this decision to not have children until I was 32. By then, I had had seven miscarriages, taken 1266 tablets, injected myself 56 times and inserted 336 pessaries in my quest to have a child. This undeniably took a huge mental and physical toll on me.

When that seventh miscarriage happened, I knew I couldn’t continue on this path any more. It was not an easy decision, or one that I took lightly. I had to make a decision to prioritise my life and health over my desire to have a child. 

This led to a long period of grief where I wondered whether a life without children was possible. Was it even worthwhile?

Nearly four years on from my seventh miscarriage I can definitely say, yes, life is possible and it is worthwhile.

While it is not the path I would have chosen, it is the path I have chosen to embrace.

There are many advantages to being child-free, even when it isn’t by choice. Some of my favourites are being able to come home after a busy day teaching and there is no need to cajole children through the evening routine that plays out in many households. Another, is being able to sleep in on the weekends (and through the night) without guilt.

I am able to make spontaneous plans, read uninterrupted, and do many other activities without having to factor in the needs of children.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I absolutely adore children and am passionate about my career as a teacher. I wouldn’t trade my job in for anything. Yet it has also made me appreciate my child-free lifestyle too. In my opinion, I get the best of both worlds.

I get to spend five days a week teaching young minds, having conversations that go on unrelated tangents, watching tamariki grow, and sharing in their wonder as they discover new concepts. I get to play aunty to my friends’ children. I can partake in their everyday activities of gym class, swimming class, going to the park, going to the fair and having a family meal.

As a result of being able to do all this, I don’t feel like I am missing out on the parenting journey. Yes, it’s different than actually having to do the hard yards that parents do. Yet, I am still able to get my fill of spending quality time with children, and feel so grateful in doing so.

If I had a choice, I would much rather be doing all these activities with my own children, but I can’t and this is the next best thing. I have been welcomed into the lives of other families with open arms. I feel so grateful that my friends are understanding of my situation and enable me to part of their families, their special and everyday events with little fanfare.

I don’t necessarily think my life is better without my own children. It’s just different. My life runs parallel to those with children, rather than intersecting with play dates, birthday parties and childcare.

Not having my own children, also gives my friends the excuse to have child-free catch-ups. It gives them the well needed breaks and enables uninterrupted conversations. Such luxury!

I sometimes wonder if I will regret my decision to not have children. It’s easy now, when I am young, healthy, and still have much life left to live. What will it be like when I’m older and my friends are becoming grandparents? When I want to pass on treasured family items? When I want to share my hard-earned wisdom? These are questions I can’t answer yet.

I can’t live in the future, because then I am missing out on the present. I can only say that I have made the right decision for myself right now. I have to be content with that and accept that the future is yet an unknown discovery.

Where to get help:

• 1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor.
• Anxiety New Zealand 0800 ANXIETY (0800 269 4389)
• Depression.org.nz 0800 111 757 or text 4202
• Lifeline 0800 543 354
• Mental Health Foundation 09 623 4812, click here to access its free resource and information service.
• Rural Support Trust 0800 787 254
• Samaritans 0800 726 666
• Suicide Crisis Helpline 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
• Yellow Brick Road 0800 732 825
• thelowdown.co.nz Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
• What’s Up 0800 942 8787 (for 5 to 18-year-olds). Phone counselling available Monday-Friday, noon-11pm and weekends, 3pm-11pm. Online chat is available 3pm-10pm daily.
• Youthline 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz, or find online chat and other support options here.
• If it is an emergency, click here to find the number for your local crisis assessment team.
• In a life-threatening situation, call 111.