Big news on the “I’ve been standing in front of the mirror practicing saying YOUR HONOR, I OBJECT!” front. Does that mean you can try cases in federal court as a United States attorney, even if you are not one?
What if you had been calling yourself a US attorney, but a judge found you and your Baywatch whistle had been illegally appointed, which really threw a wrench in your plan to make a name for yourself as the US attorney with the utter lack of shame required to prosecute all of Donald Trump’s political enemies for fake crimes that didn’t even fake happen in your fake jurisdiction?
What if a judge just in the last week demanded you explain why your calling yourself a “US attorney” in his courtroom wasn’t grounds for disciplinary action, and you’d better cut that fucking shit out, Lindsey Halligan?
It turns out the answer to all these questions is You can’t fire me two months ago, Judge Not-My-Dad, I QUIT!
And then you drive off in your Barbie dream-lawyer-mobile and Attorney General Pam Bondi is like “OMG I have one of those too!” but then the judge makes you give it back because for God’s sake, Lindsey Halligan.
Pam Bondi And Lindsey Halligan Say Judges Not Their Real Dad, Cannot Tell Them What To Do
So anyway, all of that has happened. Lindsey Halligan has “quit” her non-job as non-US attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia IN A HUFF, and Pam Bondi is IN A HUFF about it, and Halligan will now have to go cosplay at another job she’s wildly unqualified for, like maybe junior spaceman or rocket scientist cowboy.
Bondi announced last night on Twitter that Halligan was leaving to go find a job that will appreciate her brilliance. We’re all supposed to play along like this is some big loss for the Justice Department that this insurance lawyer who had never tried a criminal case won’t get to fuck up any more fake cases against Donald Trump’s political enemies.
In other words, while real lawyers are clearly making fun of all of this, Lindsey Halligan was literally the best incompetent partisan hack the Trump Department of Justice was able to get, and they will miss her very much. Sure, Pam Bondi.
Maybe Bondi can come up with some kind of special job for Halligan, where she can help cover up the Epstein Files from outside the department or something. Maybe she can drive to James Comey’s house and bury the Epstein Files in his backyard!
Uh oh, James Comey! You’re not gonna like it when you get prosecuted for doing the entire Epstein Files, which we just found right here underneath your flower bed next to Lindsey Halligan’s keys for some reason!
Uh Oh, Sounds Like Lindsey Halligan Botched Comey Case Bigly With Bad Court Thingies!
Lindsey Halligan Now Free To Bring A Dish To Thanksgiving
What precipitated this specifically is that federal Judge David Novak, who had recently demanded Halligan explain why she wasn’t committing discipline-worthy legal misconduct by calling herself “US attorney” in his courtroom, lost his absolute shit at her, after Halligan and Bondi totally sneered at his demands. All of that was a distraction from the routine bank robbery case at hand, which Miss America Olympic Gold Medalist Ultimate Fighting Champion US Attorney Lindsey Halligan was in the process of fucking up all by herself while using a title she clearly was not supposed to be using.
You may read Novak’s entire order, dated yesterday, January 20, 2026, but here is a particularly delicious piece:
Ms. Halligan’s response, in which she was joined by both the Attorney General and the Deputy Attorney General, contains a level of vitriol more appropriate for a cable news talk show and falls far beneath the level of advocacy expected from litigants in this Court, particularly the Department of Justice. The Court will not engage in a similar tit-for-tat and will instead analyze the few points that Ms. Halligan offers to justify her continued identification of her position as United States Attorney before the Court. Ultimately, the Court concludes for the reasons that follow that Ms. Halligan’s continued identification of herself as the United States Attorney for this District ignores a binding court order and may not continue; otherwise, Ms. Halligan and anyone who joins her on a pleading containing the improper moniker subjects themselves to potential disciplinary action in this Court pursuant to the Court’s Local Rules.
And so, for 18 pages, Novak tears Halligan a new one, both for her attempts at real arguments and for the ones Novak considers too stupid to even consider. For example, dispensing with Halligan’s complaining that it’s not fair to say she can’t keep being US attorney after a mean judge said she couldn’t, not when Jack Smith got to keep being special counsel after a drooling MAGA judge said his appointment was illegal, Novak explains, in a footnote, that she may fuck off:
Ms. Halligan’s references to former Special Counsel Jack Smith do not merit serious consideration, given the inapposite context. Ms. Halligan appears to share the current administration’s unhealthy obsession with the former Special Counsel. But Mr. Smith’s decision to leave intact his signature block following a court order asserting the illegality of his appointment lacks legal significance here. As such, the Court will not be diverted from addressing the issues related to the lawfulness of Ms. Halligan’s assertions.
Lacks merit, lacks merit, lacks merit, does not merit serious consideration, lacks merit. It just says that throughout.
Novak’s conclusion begins, “The Eastern District of Virginia has long enjoyed the service of experienced prosecutors with unquestioned integrity from both political parties serving as the United States Attorney,” which is just an absolutely vicious way to work your way up to a great big “BUT.” Here’s what follows:
Despite coming from different political backgrounds and holding very different ideological views, they all shared an unwavering commitment to the Rule of Law, putting the interests of the citizens of the District before their own personal ambitions, as true public servants do. Unfortunately, it appears that this ethos has come to an end.
Novak ruled that “this charade of Ms. Halligan masquerading as the United States Attorney for this District in direct defiance of binding court orders must come to an end.”
And he crossed out “UNITED STATES ATTORNEY” on every filing she’s put it on in this case, and said she’d better not try to use that fucking title in his courtroom, absent the unlikely possibility that one day she comes by the title honestly. (Between the lines: LOL!)
Hey, remember back in November when all this was starting to be a problem, and Pam Bondi made up a fake title for Halligan and tried to retroactively backdate it to whatever day it needed to be for the Comey and Letitia James indictments to remain valid? Mommy’s Super Special Deputy Super Lawyer Princess Queen Of The World or something? Oh yes, it was “Special Attorney.”
Novak addressed that in another footnote:
For the avoidance of any doubt, this bar does not prevent Ms. Halligan from entering an appearance or signing her name to pleadings in this Court as a “Special Attorney,” whatever that title may mean.
Whatever that title may mean. Absolutely vicious.
This is how much of a joke DOJ is now, that federal judges are addressing it like this in rulings.
Pam Bondi Puts Sticker On Lindsey Halligan’s Head That Says ‘Real Lawyer’
And then it’s over, just kidding, Novak works in one more broadside at Halligan:
The Court recognizes that Ms. Halligan lacks the prosecutorial experience that has long been the norm for those nominated to the position of United States Attorney in this District. Consequently, and in light of her inexperience, the Court grants Ms. Halligan the benefit of the doubt and refrains from referring her for further investigation and disciplinary action regarding her misrepresentations to this Court at this time.
The Court recognizes that maybe Ms. Halligan is too stupid to know she did anything wrong, and dares the dumbass to try it again.
Now get the fuck out of his courtroom.
And she did! And she quit the whole DOJ, can’t fire her, she quits!
Don’t worry, she’ll show up on the wingnut welfare circuit soon enough. They always do.
OPEN THREAD.
[Novak order]
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