Choosing Your Inner Circle: Why Pursuing Friendships Matters

My husband and I were reminiscing over the friendships in our lives recently and he shared something that surprised me.

He said that he’s never intentionally pursued a friendship.

Don’t get me wrong. He’s had plenty of friends over the years! And he’s a great friend in that he will always be the guy who shows up.

But he unintentionally took a pretty passive stance and his friendships just…happened.

He was friends with whoever happened to be around him. Whoever shared his schedule or stage of life. Whoever pursued him.

He’s been really forutnate to have some great friendships, but he was sharing with me that he also feels like he missed out on some really great connections over the years. There were people he admired. People he genuinely enjoyed being around. People he could have learned from.

He just never pursued them.

That conversation stuck with me because my experience has been almost the opposite.

Some of the most stretching moments of my life have been the moments I chose to pursue friendship instead of waiting to be chosen. Moments that felt awkward and vulnerable. Moments where my heart was racing and my insecurities were loud.

And every single one of my deepest friendships came from those moments.

I didn’t pursue these friendships because it felt natural or because I felt confident.

I pursued them because something in me saw the potential that this could be really good… and I didn’t want to miss it.

That choice to pursue when it felt uncomfortable has shaped my life more than I ever expected… and it’s made me think a lot about how we choose the people in our “inner circle” who shape us.

Passivity vs. Pursuit (And Why The Difference Matters)

If I’m honest, passivity in relationships can feel really appealing.

Not because we don’t want connection, but because it protects us from rejection. From awkwardness. From the possibility that we’ll reach out and it won’t go anywhere.

It’s our comfortable safe zone.

If we don’t pursue, we don’t have to risk being misunderstood, overlooked, or disappointed.

But passivity doesn’t protect us nearly as much as it promises to. It unintentionally limits our lives, keeping us living small without the support of deeper relationships.

Some of the friendships that have shaped me the most would never have existed if I had waited for them to “just happen” naturally.

They only exist because I chose to move toward someone when every instinct in me wanted to stay quiet. I didn’t know it at the time, but that instinct would have kept me very lonely.

Choosing to Approach When It Feels Uncomfortable

I don’t say that lightly.

Initiating friendships has never felt natural for me.

My heart races. My brain overthinks. My insecurities try to convince me I’m bothering someone, misreading the moment, or setting myself up for rejection.

And yet…some of the most meaningful relationships in my life began with one small, uncomfortable step.

A conversation I didn’t want to start. A question that felt vulnerable. Sharing that felt risky. A moment where I could have stayed quiet, but didn’t.

One of those friendships began when I walked into a brand-new church during a very hard season of my life, when I was still in an emotionally abusive marriage. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have a plan. I just knew I needed support.

After the service, I awkwardly asked if the pastor’s wife was there. She wasn’t. I handed my phone number to a complete stranger anyway… and hoped for the best.

That phone call turned into a coffee date. Coffee turned into trust. And more than a decade later, that friendship with my dear friend Laurie has been one of the most steady, life-giving gifts in my life.

Another friendship was jump-started because I nervously asked a woman I knew as an acquaintance, but really wanted to know on a deeper level, if I could join her already-established small group. I still remember pep-talking myself into that tough conversation. She’s one of my closest friends now.

And another began years earlier, as a middle-schooler, when I walked down a street alone, heart pounding, hoping I’d find a girl from school’s house and the courage to say something once I did. She was playing outside n her front yard when I walked up. I don’t even remember what I said, but that moment was the beginning of a friendship that’s now been going strong now for thirty years.

I didn’t feel confident or sure in any of those moments.

Every situation felt unsteady. Nerve-wracking. Awkward. Scary.

But something in me recognized the potential… the hope of something amazing. And I didn’t want to miss it.

You Get to Choose Who Shapes You

Thinking about the intentionality that goes into deepening friendships reminds me of the connection between David and Jonathan.

I absolutely love the way Scripture describes their connection.

“The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” (1 Samuel 18:1, ESV)

This wasn’t a surface-level connection. Not just “a couple of guys who hung out.” It was deep. Meaningful. Soul-level.

That word knit comes from the Hebrew qāshar, which means to bind tightly, to tie together intentionally.

This wasn’t accidental closeness. This was chosen loyalty.

Jonathan saw something in David. David recognized something in Jonathan. And they chose to bind their lives together in a way that shaped them both.

That kind of friendship doesn’t happen just because two people end up in the same place or season of life. Someone has to notice it. Someone has to move toward it. Someone has to choose it.

And that kind of support is a rare gift in today’s very lonely world.

You get to choose this, too.

You get to notice the people who draw you toward growth, honesty, courage, and faith.

You get to pay attention to who inspires you to be a better version of yourself.

You get to pursue those people…even if it feels super awkward.

What To Pay Attention To When Choosing Your Inner Circle

When I look back on the friendships that have been most life-giving for me, a few things stand out pretty clearly.

These were people who:

• Went out of their way to support me in thoughtful, creative ways
• Saw the best in me and gently encouraged me to live into it
• Had integrity in both their words and actions
• Walked with me through different seasons, meeting me right where I was
• Listened well and encouraged me when I was struggling
• Gave me a safe place to share my flaws and weaknesses

I’m not talking about perfect people here. I’m talking about positive influence.

When I look back on my own friendships, both healthy and not-so-healthy ones, I see this verse play out so clearly in my life:

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise.” (Proverbs 13:20, ESV)

When I had people like the ones I listed above in my life, I was healthier. I was doing hard things. Growing. Learning. Taking steps I might not have taken on my own. And I found myself becoming better at supporting and encouraging others, too.

And the seasons when my closest friendships didn’t look like that? I felt the difference.

Struggles felt heavier. I was more easily pulled into gossip. More likely to tear down instead of build up. Less grounded. Less steady.

Over the years, these are some questions I’ve asked myself about my own friendships:

• Do I feel more grounded or more anxious after spending time with them?
• Do I feel pressured into choices that don’t sit right with me, or encouraged toward good, healthy growth?
• Do I feel safe sharing my flaws, or do I feel the need to hide parts of myself?

These questions aren’t about judgment. They’re about wisdom. They’re about paying attention to who is shaping you.

What Pursuit Can Look Like In Real Life

I mentioned some specific ways I’ve intentionally pursued deeper friends above, but it doesn’t have to be a big choice.

Most of the time, it looks very ordinary and (still very brave).

It can look like:

• Walking across the room to start a conversation
• Sending the text first
• Sharing a little more vulnerably to see how it lands
• Asking someone to coffee (this is a favorite of mine)
• Saying, “I’d really like to get to know you better. Would you like to ______ together?”
• Asking to join a group (small group, Bible study, play group) instead of waiting for an invitation
• Plan something small like a movie night or play date and inviting someone

These are the moments that can open doors to deeper connections and grow stronger support systems.

A Word for the Fear You Might Be Feeling

If initiating friendships feels hard for you, I get it.

It’s completely normal to feel that way.

It’s vulnerable to reach out without knowing how the other person will respond. Of course your insecurities get loud. They’re trying to keep you safe, known, and comfortable.

I just want to be a voice in your head reminding you of this:

The fear and discomfort are normal. But they don’t get to decide for you.

You don’t pursue people because it feels easy. You pursue because something in you recognizes the potential. You pursue people because we weren’t made to do life alone.

I can’t promise every time you reach out, it will turn into a deep friendship.

But I can promise that some of the most meaningful relationships in your life are waiting on the other side of one brave step.

Don’t let insecurity make your choices for you.

Is there someone in your life right now who comes to mind?

Someone you admire? Someone you enjoy? Someone you’ve thought, “I’d love to know her better,” but never acted on?

What’s one small step you could take this week?

It may feel super uncomfortable…and it might just turn out to be amazing.

A Blessing for You

May God give you courage where fear has kept you quiet.

May He open your eyes to the people who could shape your life for good.

May you trust Him enough to take the small, brave steps toward connection.

And may the friendships you choose, pursue, and nurture draw you closer to Him and to the life He’s inviting you into.

Amen.