Yesterday news dropped that Donald Trump and Pete “Shitfaced” Hegseth, his incredible loser Defense secretary who shrivels into a submissive childlike stance whenever President Daddy is next to him, would be making some kind of huge announcement in the afternoon. Bombing Venezuela? A new drink at the bar in Shitfaced’s office at the Pentagon called the “Warfighter,” made with just rosé and GHB? Ladies get in free if they sign an NDA?
But no, Trump and Shitfaced were announcing a whole new special class of BATTLESHIPS, and Trump was helping design them himself! You know, because he’s such a fuckin’ shipbuilder. What are they doing, letting him have some Elmer’s Glue so he can stick some of those cheap, tacky Home Depot knick-knacks he’s put all over the Oval Office on Naval ships now?
Clearly this is another White House Dementia Care Unit situation, even though the announcement happened at Mar-a-Lago. Grandpa, you’re making a boat today!
It’s good for him to have activities.
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So the general story is that Trump announced a new class of ships that he is calling “battleships.” It will be part of the “Golden Fleet,” because everything is golden with that Liberace bitch. We really like how all the news orgs are like “yeah, um, he is calling them battleships,” like we all understand that they aren’t really battleships, but this is what grandpa is calling them, he has no fucking idea what a battleship is, but whatever.
President Donald Trump has announced a bold plan for the Navy to build a new, large warship that he is calling a “battleship” as part of a larger vision to create a “Golden Fleet.”
“They’ll be the fastest, the biggest, and by far 100 times more powerful than any battleship ever built,” Trump claimed during the announcement at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida.
Whaaaat? The fastest and the biggest and the by far 100 times more powerfulest? Tell us more, President Snake Oil!
[The ships will be] fitted with “guns and missiles at the highest level,” hypersonic weapons, electric rail guns, cruise missiles and the “most sophisticated lasers in the world[.]”
Lasers for weapons that haven’t even been invented yet? This sounds like a ship that’s going to be built in real life!
“The US Navy will lead the design of these ships along with me because I’m a very aesthetic person.”
He’s a very aesthetic person. Would you like to see his beautiful mind gold shit on the walls of the Oval Office again?
Aaron Rupar@atrupar
Trump: “The US Navy will lead the design of these ships along with me, because I’m a very aesthetic person”
10:19 PM · Dec 22, 2025 · 545K Views
806 Replies · 288 Reposts · 1.78K Likes
So two things for sure, these boats gonna be real, and they gonna be ugly.
The event yesterday was full of the typical masculine insecurity jackoff exhibition with him and Hegseth. After Trump and the others arrived and gawked at the renderings of the ships that had been lovingly prepared for his amusement, he said he wanted to “wish everybody a big hello and merry Christmas,” because you know how it is during this season, people wishing each other big hellos. He said his new very real and very big boats will “help maintain American military supremacy, revive the American ship building industry, and inspire fear in America’s enemies all over the world,” which is usually a sure sign that whatever he’s doing, China will laugh at it while sailing past the US in every other area.
And Secretary Shitfaced stood beside him and beat his chest about the new big boat, but we didn’t listen because Shitfaced doesn’t really know much about the more complicated parts of the military, like “strategy” or “designing ships” — anything above “how to shave” is above his paygrade — so he wouldn’t know if this was a ridiculous idea or not.
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Anyway, Navy Secretary John Phelan said the new boats will be out on the water sometime in the 2030s, you betcha.
We don’t claim to be an expert of any kind on Naval ships, but it sure sounds to us like this is of a piece with other times when Trump wants things the way they used to be, when the ships were battleships and there were no windmills in the ocean. (They’re literally in the process of getting rid of them for Dear Leader right now, because “national security,” because everything they can’t rationally explain is “national security.”)
The Seattle Times reminds us of Trump’s bizarre fixation on going back to steam-powered catapults on aircraft carriers, instead of electromagnetic ones. (What if magnets get WET?)
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The most important thing about these ships, which Trump calls “battleships,” of course, will be that they are named after him, and he will think they are very pretty.
And they will exist. Maybe. Tom Nichols has a good piece in the Atlantic explaning why ehhhhh probably not — for instance, “the United States does not have the capacity to build vessels it hasn’t even designed yet,” and also that putting nukes on destroyers/cruisers/whatever Trump thinks a “battleship” is, excuse the technical term, fucking stupid in the world of modern warfare — but sure, everybody tell the president that there are new boats named after him and they are BATTLESHIPS and they are real!
(Pop quiz: If you put nukes on the biggest ship you’ve ever seen, the one that inspires fear among all our enemies and everybody tells the WAR secretary how big and hard and long his “battleship” is, will China use that battleship for target practice during A) mornings; B) afternoons, or C) whenever it fucking wants?)
Let’s hear from an expert, since the Trump regime clearly didn’t:
Mark Montgomery, a former rear admiral who is senior director at the Foundation for Defense of Democracies, criticized the Golden Fleet plan as “exactly what we don’t need,” and noted that each new battleship will cost at least $5 billion.
“We do not need ships that are not optimized to provide lethality against the Chinese threat,” Montgomery said, adding that the new frigate has “zero tactical use” because it won’t be equipped with a vertical launch system or the Aegis ballistic defense system.
“That is not what these are focused on—they are focused on the president’s visual that a battleship is a cool-looking ship,” he said.
Sounds almost as stupid as a 90,000-square-foot ballroom.
Or putting his name on the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts, but forgetting that when one puts their own name on a memorial center, it’s considered polite to die first.
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Do you wanna hear more about how big the battleships are going to be, even though we already did that? Sure, in Dementia Land you get to say things over and over again! Wonkette Pal Jeff Tiedrich clipped this and provides the transcript:
“As Commander in Chief it is my great honor to announce that I have approved a plan for the Navy to begin the construction of two brand new very large, the largest we’ve ever built— battleships. You know, we used to build— we had big battleships. these are bigger. But they will have one hundred times the— um, they’ll be one hundred times the force, the power— and, uh, there’s never been anything like these ships…. ’cause I said, why aren’t we doing battleships like we used to. And the, uh— these are the best in the world. They’ll be the fastest, the biggest, and by far, one hundred times more powerful than any— battleship ever built. If you take the biggest one, it’s one hundred times more powerful, uhhhhh— they’re longer, by— a little bit. but uh, the— and they’re bigger, they’re bigger ships. they hold much more— they use the word ‘lethality.’”
Also he believes we should have Greenland — “national security,” of course — because “They say Denmark was there 300 years ago or something with a boat. Well, we were there with boats too, I’m sure,” and if you are there with boats that means you own the country, especially if they are the biggest, and by far, one hundred times more powerful than any, and they’re bigger, they hold much more, they use the word “lethality,” I am a very aesthetic person, the end.
Monday was Battleship Day at Mar-a-Lago!
[Seattle Times / CNN / Wall Street Journal / Tiedrich]
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