It’s hard not to feel a little bad for Natalie Greene.
The 26-year-old Rutgers law student, a now-former aide to US Rep. Jeff Van Drew (R-New Jersey), probably had a reasonably pleasant future ahead of her before she and an unnamed co-conspirator got together and faked an elaborate assault and kidnapping by three imaginary evil anti-Republican criminals who knew exactly who she was and whom she worked for and wanted to make her pay. Why?
Well, I would assume that, like so many of her ilk, she is mad about the fact that the oppression and violence faced by other groups frequently engenders a sympathy of which they are deeply, seethingly envious and hoped that a vicious “crime” against her would do the same for white Republicans.
Unfortunately, for a Rutgers student, she was not too swift and made the whole thing a little too obviously fake for anyone to take seriously. So instead of a mass outpouring of pity and goodwill across the land, she ended up in federal court on Wednesday, being arraigned on charges of “conspiracy to convey false information and hoaxes” and giving false information to federal law enforcement. Awkward!
On July 23 of this year, the aforementioned co-conspirator called 911 to report that the two of them had been attacked by three terrifying anti-Trump radicals who told them they had guns. She explained that she had escaped the one who had her, but that the other two had Greene zip-tied and she could tell that they knew who she was, because they were referring to her by name and mentioning her work for Rep. Van Drew. You know, because such hooligans always know all about the aides to random New Jersey congressmen.
Let’s go to the transcript, shall we?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Co-Conspirator 1: I’m here at the EHT nature preserve, I came here with my friend and three guys just attacked us.
Operator: OK you’re at the nature preserve?
Operator: When you said they attacked you, what do you mean?
Co-Conspirator 1: They were attacking her. They were like talking about politics and stuff. They were like calling her names.
Operator: Did they physically touch her?
Co-Conspirator 1: And they said they had a gun and they had a gun. And they said that, and they said that. They said that if we don’t be quiet they were going to shoot us. […]Co-Conspirator 1: I don’t even think they were worried about me. Like they wanted, they were like
Operator: Why did you think they wanted your friend? What’s your friend’s name?
Co-Conspirator 1: They were talking about politics, she works for [Federal Official 1]. They were like calling her like racist, calling her a whore, like like.
Operator: OK. What was her name? What was her name?
Co-Conspirator 1: Natalie Greene
When the police arrived, Greene told them that “one or more of the men who had attacked her said he had a gun and threatened to shoot her, and that one or more of the attackers had held her down and restrained her movement, cutting her body and writing on her body.”
And what did they write on her body? TRUMP WHORE on her stomach, and “Rep. Van Drew is racist” somewhere else.
The cops, however, seemed to think something was up and said that they had to search Greene’s Maserati, whereupon they found more of the zip-ties that had been used to secure Greene. What an incredible coincidence!
Two days later, Greene went to the FBI and made the following statements:
that GREENE was approached by three unknown men who physically restrained GREENE on the ground, pulled Greene’s arms behind her back, and tied her ankles together with zip ties;
that one or more of these men struck GREENE in the head;
that one or more of these men cut into her with a sharp object;
that one or more.of the men told GREENE that he had a gun and ordered GREENE not to move; and
that one or more of the men told GREENE to be quiet or he was going to shoot her.
Greene’s body was indeed severely cut up all over her shoulder and even up to her face, as you can see in this picture.
When asked why she thought she was targeted, Greene told police and the FBI that there had been threats to her boss’s office.
There’s so many. I mean. Yeah, racist um. Windmills belong on your grave. Like stupid, I mean like there, they have a bunch of little things on there that they’ll write on there. We have them all, you can look at all of them. But um. Yeah we keep em just. We keep all of our hate mail. We recently got like, a letter with like powder in it and stuff.
“Windmills belong on your grave.”
Rep. Van Drew, notably, has been a strong ally in Trump’s war on windmills, but even in that context, it’s hard to imagine anyone constructing that particular sentence as a threat.
Soon enough, though, it all fell apart. Police found that Co-Conspirator 1 had looked up “zip-ties near me” on her phone. They then went to the Dollar General Store near where Co-Conspirator 1 lived, saw that they sold the same zip-ties that were used, and saw actual video footage of Co-Conspirator 1 in the store.
On Greene’s phone, they found that she had contacted a body modification and scarification artist on Instagram and paid them $500 to cut her up in the exact manner in which she was found.
That is a goddamned commitment. I mean, I guess I would go through with something like that if I had an absolute guarantee that it would result in the end of genocide, war, police brutality, poverty or something. But to pay $500 and be literally scarred for life just so that people think some imaginary anti-Trump people are bad? Without any guarantee at all that the plan would be successful? That is a level of dedication to a cause that I actually cannot begin to fathom.
Of course, it’s not the first time something like this has happened. Some of you may recall that in 2008 (2008!) McCain supporter Ashley Todd claimed to have been assaulted by an evil, violent Obama-lover who carved a B (for Barack Obama!) on her face … backwards.
I guess, to their credit, these folks are a hell of a lot less vain than I am.
On the bright side, conservatives will have to stop their hysterics over Jussie Smollett, because … oh, who am I kidding? That’s never going to happen — and odds are they’ll never even hear about Natalie Greene.
If convicted on both charges, Greene could serve up to a decade in prison, which is a lot of time for a person to serve for a crime in which they were the only one who got hurt. Of course, if police had believed her, it would be possible that three people might have ended up serving time for a crime that never happened, which would have been worse.
Frankly, I think she’s likely not all there and should probably be committed to a mental institution instead, but I’m the exact kind of scary bleeding heart liberal that she was clearly trying to warn the world against, so maybe she’d prefer the prison time, after all.
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