Incomplete Joy –

I remember in the third grade seeing something on a report card that I didn’t understand. I thought it was a mistake and I didn’t pay any mind to it until maybe next year when I was in the fourth grade.

In the fourth grade, I wasn’t the best of students. I remember hitting a lowest of the low of disappointment—not even so much because I felt bad for what I was doing. I felt bad because I let my mom down.

I got an F in effort and an F in conduct.

How did I get an F in conduct and an F in effort? I remember I didn’t get in trouble per se—

“Trouble” in my home was defined as “intense discipline.”

My mom didn’t give me that, that day. It was the look of disappointment on her face. I guess there had been so much tough “intense discipline”, and like…what more can you do?

What more can you do to get through to this person? I felt that’s how my mom responded, because it was just, disappointment.

After that grading period—I just remember straightening up my act. I remember getting at least a C average. Just pass. Just pass. That was my goal, and I completed that.

Discovering “Incomplete”

The following year I switched schools. I remember getting hold of my report card then and seeing something I had never seen before on the grading scale. Now I started to look at the report cards. “Okay, what is an A? Okay, 91 to 100%. What does B mean? 81 to 98…” whatever. I’m going down the grading scale and it’s like A, B, C, D and then an F.

I’m like, “Where’s an E? Where’s the E?”

I did see an E, but it wasn’t a grade. I believe it was “exempt.” There were these different words or different letters that stood for things.

Then I saw an “I.” I’m like, “What is an I?”

It said “Incomplete.”

I said, “How can you get an incomplete? How in the world can you get an incomplete?” I was really confused by that. “What has to happen? What are the things to do or not do?”

My Mom Was More Than “Mom”

One of the last summers before my mother passed, I found she had a journal. I was like, “This is interesting.” But I didn’t go through it. I was in her room while she was there, and we were talking, and I was cleaning up with her, helping her.

I asked her what this book was, and she said, “It’s my journal.”

And I’m like, “You journal?”

She said, “Yeah, I’m starting to.”

I replied, “Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool.”

That’s when I started to realize: my mom has feelings. My mom is a person. I had always seen my mom as just my mom—not a person. It was just “my mom.” She did these things for me. It was “my mom, my mom, my mom.”

And she let me know that she has feelings. She was writing them down. She would tell me about things that she would start and not complete, and she said, “Don’t be like that. Finish what you start.”

Feeling Incomplete

Lately, I’ve been wanting to record more. I know I need more content up on YouTube.

Right when I’m getting into the groove of things, I’m halted.

I stop. I stop working. I stop focusing.

After my cousin passed, it took a while to get it back. I know I need to record more. That was something that we talked about. We talked about ramping up our content output. 

So I’m getting my content recorded but everything I record, I don’t post.

I’ll say, “I’ma put it away for later so I can edit it.” Just capture the moment and edit later.

Well, now I’m recording and I’m running out of space because I have all these videos on both of my phones. 

I can’t delete the videos because I haven’t edited them.

I begin to think about it, “You have two phones full of videos, and these are all videos you need to edit. What’s going on, buddy?”

They’re incomplete.

You’re getting an “I” because incomplete. You’re doing exactly what Mom told you not to do. You’re not finishing what you start. It’s incomplete.

Pain and Discipline

What can contribute to being incomplete? What is contributing to me not finishing what I start?

I’ve been feeling incomplete.

I’ve been feeling incomplete because of pain. I’ve been hurting. I’ve been hurting since my mother left. I’ve been hurting since Shad left. I’ve been hurting since Grandma left. I’ve been hurting since Auntie Monica left. I’ve been hurting since Shun left.

I’ve been hurting physically.

My body’s been hurting. Getting older. I will be 44, Lord willing, in the next couple of months.

The things that I believed I would heal from, I did.  Then it seems like there’s something else that’s hurting.

Like going to work out—I don’t feel like I can do a complete workout the way I envisioned it.

I still finish a workout, but it’s just different because of the pain.

I just learn to mask and deal with it.

Finishing something—finishing a task—is somewhat painful too.

It’s the discipline of getting it done. The discipline of settling with “published is better than perfect” because there are some imperfections I still see in the content I’m making or the tasks I do.

Some of the things I need to complete, require I put my big boy pants on, to make sure T’s are crossed and I’s are dotted and being accountable.

So I brush it off and deal with it later.

If later comes, I deal with it then.

Approaching Bridges

I’ve always been a “I’ll deal with it when I approach that bridge” person.

Right now, there are a lot of bridges I’m approaching.

Now I have to deal with things that I have set aside for so long that are incomplete.

How can you go on when I’m in pain?

Pain, Prayer, and Release

I’ve been looking over my aunt for the past year since my cousin, her son, passed away on 4-1-2024.

During this time I grew closer to her.  She would share stories of her childhood, growing up with my mother and seven additional siblings.  She shared stories of her father & mother, my grandfather and grandmother.  We would laugh about her oldest son, Shad.  I would share with her how he taught me how to cook.  I would tell her stories about me and Shun growing up that would make her laugh.  

I always loved to see her smile.  When she would laugh it would remind of her boys and how we would always clown around and joke.  

Seeing her happy, was a priority of my mine after her boys passed away.  Especially during this past year and a half.

She loved coffee and chocolate cake.  We both had a mean sweet tooth and she put me on to soooo many good eats.

I loved my Auntie Lisa.

I lived with her twice in my lifetime growing up.  It’s because of her I can’t make regular sized pancakes.  They have to be skillet sized.  

After a morning of chores, she would make these huge, skillet sized pancakes for me and Shun.  They were soooo good.

It’s because of her I always keep a bag of rice in the pantry.  If she didn’t make us pancakes, she would make rice, along with some eggs and bacon.

It’s because of her I have a heavy hand with bleach.  The morning chores, involved cleaning everything that could be cleaned, with bleach.  Lots of it, lol

She taught me the lesson of CLEAN AS YOU GO!

It’s because of her I use vaseline on my skin.  She had the softest, smoothest, and prettiest skin, down to the tone/ complexion. 

I loved my Auntie Lisa 

My Auntie Lisa passed away on 9/26/2025,  the 17th anniversary of my mother’s passing—9/26/08—

I’m so happy that she’s complete. She is in no more pain. She’s finally whole.

To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.

We talked about the Lord, prayer and how important it is, especially going through pain.

The pain of losing your first born, your second born, and while you’re going through that, you’re also going through your own physical fight of pain.

My auntie helped me get my prayer life back.

I began to pray Jesus would heal her. I prayed that same prayer over my mom, and the Lord answered it by relieving both of them from pain on the same day, 17 years apart.

Learning From Their Pain

The first time, I wasn’t expecting it that way. I wasn’t expecting my mother to pass away. I also wasn’t expecting my aunt to pass away.

I understood she was in a lot of pain, and I did not want to see her in any more pain.

I finally understood that because if we would’ve kept my mother on life support, she would have been in pain for the rest of her days. It wouldn’t have been a good quality of life.

Now I understood how selfish I was thinking and entertaining, “I’ll take care of her.” but she was in so much pain.

I guess I wanted her to be in pain, for me because I would be in pain if she was not here. That’s selfish.

So I understood why that prayer got answered the way it did.

My aunt wouldn’t let you know she was going through any pain. She would always mask it or change the subject.

All this time, she was having her own bout.

That taught me strength—how to just keep going on.

Moving Toward Completion

I didn’t understand how to go on without my cousin. I didn’t understand how she could go on without her sons, but she did.

That weight is heavy.

Weight can be painful, but it does teach you how to become stronger.

Her passing lets me know she wouldn’t be in any more pain.  

I prayed for that.

I’m happy now. I don’t have to worry about her anymore. It’s alleviating my pain.

How good do you feel when you don’t have any more pain?

She’s with her Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.  She’s complete.  She’s with her sons.  She’s complete.  She’s with her sister.  She’s complete.  She is with her Father & Mother. She is complete. To be complete is to be whole, without void.  To be whole, brings peace. 

It’s joyous.

Joyful times are ahead. They have to be.