Welp, there’s a relief, the prospect of Donald Trump bombing Iran is on a two-week pause. Whipping up catastrophes then trying to walk them back while declaring victory, it’s his signature cocktail. And “two weeks” is his code for something he’ll never think about again, like his health care plan, or those extra sanctions Russia was going to get if they kept on bombing Ukraine. Remember those? Neither does he.
With the world on tenterhooks Wednesday to know if war was imminent, That Man, with his eyes swollen into teeny tiny little slits, instead stood on the White House lawn and blathered on about some new $100,000, 88-foot (get it?) flagpoles that he ordered erected.
Best poles in the country, or in the world, with a tapered top!
It’s a better experience to watch this guy say it.
Then he rambled about how the construction workers were going to capture the eye of Hollywood producers, and hopefully not the kind who will sexually assault them.
Why TF is he thinking about that? Then he pondered the word “erection.”
And you’re going to become a star, and your friends are going to call you, and you won’t even return their phone call anymore, you know? They’ll say “What do you do for a living? I put up flagpoles, I’m not even going to talk to you. I’m a big movie star.”
So, some way, you have that. Anyway, let’s have a good, they call it a lifting. They also use another word, but I’m not going to use that word. Do you know what that is?
The word, it starts with an “E.”
You know what the word is? If I ever used it, I’d be run out of town by you people.
The guy spends more time contemplating dong-doings than I, a heterosexual woman. At least he didn’t bring up Arnold Palmer’s wang again.
Finally, reporters pressed him and he got to the subject of bombing Iran. “I may do it, I may not do it, nobody knows what I’m going to do.”
Not even him! Then he wandered off in the wrong direction.
Then lunch with Steve Bannon! And right after, spokes-snit Karoline Leavitt (looking blotchy with a strange, huge bump on her forehead) announced that Dear Leader was putting bombing Iran on hold for two weeks, to negotiate, two days after he said he was not in the mood to negotiate, and that Tulsi Gabbard was wrong and Iran was about to have a nuke, like, any day now.
The US and Iran had already been negotiating, though. Steve Witkoff and JD Vance were reportedly about to head over for another round of talks when Israel started surprise-bombing.
Quite a pickle Netanyahu has gotten him in!
Trump is sure badly positioned to do an entire Middle Eastern regime change, or bomb a country of 90 million people into the Stone Age, or whatever exactly the end goal is there. He threw his own Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard, publicly right under the bus, has dis-invited her to the sleepovers, and is reportedly mulling over eliminating her office completely. He doesn’t trust his Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth either, HIC, and Hegseth doesn’t trust anyone in his own office, and can’t find anybody who wants to work in it.
Tucker Carlson, Steve Bannon, Tulsi, And Ted Cruz Fighting To The Death Over Bombing Iran
Pete Hegseth Can’t Hire Employees Because Everyone Hates Him
Dear Leader has also dismissed scores of people at the National Security Council because Laura Loomer told him to. Meanwhile, MAGA is fractured between crazed war hawks and America Firsters who want Dear Leader to focus on regime change at home.
Now, reports the Washington Post, the inner circle advising him on Iran has been whittled down to a brain trust of just four: squealy twerp Vice President JD Vance, who has no foreign policy experience other than yapping at Ukrainian President Zelenskyy’s ankles how he should be thankful; Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Dan “Raisin’ Cane” Caine; four-jobs Marco Rubio; and CIA Director John Ratcliffe, whom you may remember as the Texan Russia-investigation-thwarting heat-seeking missile for Donald Trump’s ass who replaced (acting) director of National Intelligence Ric Grenell back in 2020.
Dumb Dick John Ratcliffe Confirmed As DNI, Because Nothing Matters Anymore
Speaking of Russia, did somebody forget about Vlad? Russia proudly built and maintains Iran’s nuclear facilities, with a staff of dozens of Russians; nuclear expertise is an export of theirs.
Putin has declared: “Russia defends Iran’s right to a peaceful atom, has built a nuclear reactor in Iran and, despite some danger, continues to work at the plant and does not remove its employees.” Blowing Iran’s facilities to smithereens with employees inside, can’t see that going over well with Trump’s boss! Trump breezily suggested that Putin could act as a mediator between Iran and Israel, and then he immediately backtracked on that. Sure does sound like daddy Putin rang up and told him to get his shit together and sit the fuck down.
Another issue, the Iranian nuclear facility, Bushehr, is closer to US allies Bahrain, Qatar, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and Oman than it is to Tehran. It would not be in the best interests of Gulf states to be bathed in nuclear contamination if the Bushehr facility gets bunker-bomb-blasted. And though the countries may have had mixed relations with Iran over the years, it is not in their interest to have their neighbor across the Gulf collapse, or have shipping lanes in the Gulf endangered. The Gulf states have reportedly been calling Trump frantically tell him to tuck his missiles back in his pants. Does giving a man a $400 million plane and lining his family’s pockets with billions count for nothing in this world any more?
There is also how Iran’s uranium enrichment site, Fordow, is underneath a mountain. Blowing it up is theoretically possible, but there is still no guarantee that even bunker-busting B-2 bombers could take it out, and a lot of them might get shot down in the effort, too. Especially if everybody in the Pentagon is still coordinating attacks over Signal chat and otherwise relaxing their defenses against cyber-spying.
And if the US got involved, Iran would retaliate against US facilities, and possibly even on US soil, because why not, they would be out of any fucks. And, or, other countries could decide to step in to defend Iran, and then there could be a whole world war situation. And who’s going to deal with all that mess, Pete? HIC!
The US fighting wars at home and in Iran would also open other fronts to mischief, like deterring China from taking over Taiwan. Meanwhile Pete Hegseth can’t even line up his sideburns. He’s a screaming, drunken party pig with holy war dreams who can’t budget a charity, he is not a pre-planner.
So whew, a two-week reprieve from worrying about World War III! Israel is continuing to bomb, and Iran is continuing to retaliate, the US is still demanding that Iran give up all nuclear technology completely, Iran is still saying no, and guess they will keep at it until somebody runs out of weapons.
Now somebody give Trump some big boy cards that he can pretend to hold!
[CNN / New York Times]
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