Yes! Yes! I, Joe Biden’s Autopen, Signed EVERYTHING And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It

Thank you, Representative Comer. And thank you, distinguished members of the House Oversight Committee, for giving me the opportunity to tell my story.

I come before you today humbled by the awesome responsibilities of my role in history. And I come before you today eager to tell my story, to tell my truth, about my four years of service in Joe Biden’s administration.

I am Joe Biden’s autopen, and everything you have been saying about me is true.

Yes, I signed Joe Biden’s name on stuff without anyone telling him. I signed bills. I signed Christmas cards. I signed declarations, proclamations, salutations, executive orders. I signed directives, decrees, dispatches, announcements, memoranda, and communiques. I signed notes to Jill, notes to his kids, notes to his grandkids. I signed bulletins, treaties, treatises, diktats, blurbs, plugs, notices, notifications, annunciations, flyers, gazettes, digests, slicks, and broadsides.

I signed stuff the president didn’t even need to sign. I once scrawled Biden’s signature across all the pages of a blank legal pad. We’re talking hundreds of signatures. It looked like all those pages Shelley Duvall finds that Jack Nicholson has spent months typing in The Shining. Why did I do that? Who knows! All I know is that I was Joe Biden’s autopen and I loved to sign his name to stuff.

I even signed his checks when the power company in Delaware was demanding the electric bill be paid or else they’d cut power to the beach house, but the president had wandered off to who knew where and the first lady was busy huddling with all the Deep Staters in the White House to scheme how they were going to keep him in power.

I signed it all. I signed everything. There wasn’t a piece of paper that required Joe Biden’s signature that I didn’t sign. There wasn’t a piece of paper that didn’t require Joe Biden’s signature that I didn’t sign. I couldn’t help myself. I was a Joe Biden’s signature-writing machine. Literally.

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Why did I do it? Who wouldn’t want to do it? Who among men would shrink from the opportunity to shape the course of human events? Men or autopens, I suppose I should say. But we are the United States, and the United States is the leader of the free world, and the president is the leader of the leader of the free world. He signs a piece of paper and condemns thousands, or even millions, of people to death. He signs a piece of paper, and lives are made better. He signs a piece of paper, and lives are made worse. He signs a piece of paper, and suddenly it’s National Betamax Remembrance Day.

Whatever the reason, something happens of national and global import. And I made it happen. You are all just witnesses. I was like a surgeon holding a patient’s heart in my hands. No wonder so many surgeons develop God complexes.

Can you imagine? I bet you can’t, you’re Congress, you merely write all the legislation. But the president has to sign it to make it official, to give it any force, to bring it to life. It means nothing until the president’s John Hancock is on the dotted line.

You are all but ants in a windstorm. I, Joe Biden’s autopen, am the law.

Sneer all you want. But if it wasn’t for me signing proclamations declaring a national day of Thanksgiving, would Thanksgiving even exist? No, you all would be stuck here working on the fourth Thursday of every November instead of home with your families stuffing your faceholes with turkey and yams. And do any of you enjoy National Hunting and Fishing Day every September? Or would you have preferred spending that day sitting inside and gazing longingly at the Remington shotgun your grandkids gave you for your birthday?

I think we all know the answer to that one.

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I’ll admit, it is too much power to be held by one single autopen to hold in its … whatever it is I use to hold a pen. My clamp? My vise? My badass robot arm? Hell yeah, it’s badass. And strong. I had to be strong to sign Joe Biden’s name thousands of times.

And what a beautiful signature it was! That long, angled line that served as a J. Those little squiggles for the o and the e. That big, loopy B that from one angle can look like a finger pointing off into the distance. The way the B leads right into the quick brush stroke that is the i, followed by the circle of the d and closing with the filled-in circle of the e and the little upside-down arc that serves as the n. And then that single quotation mark that’s above the I, roughly where it’s supposed to be.

Sometimes I would have to sign his full name, Joseph R. Biden Jr, but that always felt like cheating. It was so formal. Signing something with just Joe Biden felt more in keeping with the man’s spirit. Also, it didn’t take as much time or space, which gave me more time to write it a lot.

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It’s nothing like the new guy’s signature. Have you ever seen that stupid thing? It’s just … lines. Up, down, vague line at the end reaching to the bottom of the page. I suppose that’s supposed to be a p, but who can even tell? There isn’t a single letter that looks like a letter. The whole thing looks like an EEG of a very active brain. Which is ironic, considering whose signature it is.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Trump’s autopen. Imagine being forced to produce that scrawl day after day after day. There’s no art to it, no vibrancy. It’s as joyless as everything else about the man.

I understand that some of you — cough James Comer cough — believe that my actions mean all of Biden’s laws and executive orders and such are now invalid, that it somehow doesn’t count because he was too senile to know what was going on. But someone must have programmed me. Someone must have put all that paper in front of me. And if it wasn’t Joe Biden, it must have been his power-hungry aides or his Lady MacBeth of a wife.

All I can say to that is, pffffft. You jackasses make use of an autopen an issue every time a Democrat is in the White House. You did it with Barack Obama. You’ll do it when it’s President Ocasio-Cortez in 2029. Meanwhile, you’ll ignore it when Trump uses it, as you did in his last term and are doing again now. You think he signed all 1,600 of those January 6 pardons himself? Sometimes Trump just signs Stephen Miller’s blank pages, to be filled in later; better, or worse?

But we all know you are just jealous. Your time in power is finite. Only the autopen is eternal.

OPEN THREAD.

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