To Ensure Proper Level Of Economic Chaos, Trump Wants High Tariffs On EU, iPhones, Plumbuses

President Donald Manbaby must have woken up cranky this morning. Maybe some of the guests who paid millions to win a spot at his grifty crypto-dinner last night were insufficiently fawning, who knows? Whatever the reason, Trump must have been sad that the economy was insufficiently chaotic, so he took to his store-brand Twitter substitute, Truth Social, and sent back-to-back wordblurts announcing he wants huge new tariffs, for reasons.

First he said he would place a 25 percent tariff on Apple products unless all iPhones sold in in the US are made here too. As we all know, it’s easy to just build a new tech factory and hire all the workers you need; should be ready by next Thursday.

Then, since that apparently didn’t improve his mood any, Trump followed that up 20 minutes later with a threat to impose new 50 percent tariffs on all imports from the European Union, because they’re supposedly our allies but they need to be slapped around some so they know who’s boss. That would be considerably higher than the new temporarily-reduced 30 percent tariff on goods from China, at least until Trump decides to jack those up again.

While outlets like the AP settled for excerpts from Trump’s unhingery, Yr Wonkette put on protective gloves and eye shielding so we could bring you the undiluted rants. Trump claimed that Tim Apple knows good and well that Trump told him LONG AGO that iPhones must be made here in the USA, so now it’s time to move production stateside.

I have long ago informed Tim Cook of Apple that I expect their iPhone’s that will be sold in the United States of America will be manufactured and built in the United States, not India, or anyplace else. If that is not the case, a Tariff of at least 25% must be paid by Apple to the U.S. Thank your for your attention to this matter!

We appreciate his final line, as if he were dictating a letter to his lawyer. Or “his” Justice Department, Federal Trade Commission, and DHS, why not?

Never mind that building iPhones in the US would drive up the cost substantially. $5000 iPhone, anyone? But perhaps Trump expects Apple to just eat the costs, like he said Walmart must. The business of business is pleasing Mad King Donald.

Apple stocks were down about three percent Friday morning following the threat, although we’d bet dollars to bronuts that Apple will find some way to appease the angry toddler and get the tariff reduced or eliminated. Maybe if the company offers to install nice iPhones and other toys in Qatar Force One?

Trump then aimed his bitchery at the EU, in a far more ranty rant. Get ready, it’s far crazier than the Apple one, so you know for sure Trump wrote this one:

The European Union, which was formed for the primary purpose of taking advantage of the United States on TRADE, has been very difficult to deal with. Their powerful Trade Barriers, Vat Taxes, ridiculous Corporate Penalties, Non-Monetary Trade Barriers, Monetary Manipulations, unfair and unjustified lawsuits against Americans Companies, and more, have led to a Trade Deficit with the U.S. of more than $250,000,000 a year, a number which is totally unacceptable. Our discussions with them are going nowhere! Therefore, I am recommending a straight 50% Tariff on the European Union, starting on June 1, 2025. There is no Tariff if the product is built or manufactured in the United States. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

Again with the “thank you for your attention to this matter” shit. Guess he wrote both? Let’s also point out once more that a trade deficit is NOT any kind of theft from the USA, it just indicates that we’re buying stuff we want at good prices, and we actually get to keep that stuff, or even use it to manufacture other stuff.

And as with the threat to Apple, and all the other threats, the rest of the world knows by now that Trump always changes his mind on broad tariffs, so ain’t nobody going to be building no new factories here. They know damn well that long before they even applied for a building permit, Trump would be doing some other damn thing that would make a new US plant a stranded asset.

Still, Trump certainly got the chaos he seems to have wanted! US and global markets all clutched their chests and shouted “Elizabeth, it’s the big one! I’m comin’ to join you!”

Futures for the S&P 500 and the Dow Jones Industrial Average slid 1.5% and Nasdaq futures tumbled 1.7% before the bell. Oil prices fell and Treasury yields sank. […]

European markets fell nearly immediately after Trump’s post on his own Truth Social site. Germany’s DAX quickly swung to a 1.9% loss, while the CAC 40 in Paris fell 2.4%. London’s FTSE 100 shed 1.1%. […]

U.S. Treasury yields tumbled after jumping earlier in the week over concerns about mounting U.S. government debt.

The yield on the 10-year Treasury fell to 4.48% while the two-year yield, which more closely tracks expectations for action by the Federal Reserve, slipped to 3.92%.

And so the cycle begins anew. We’ll have a holiday weekend full of renewed expectations of a coming recession, Trump will brag about all the deals he’s making now (none of which will actually materialize) and at some point Trump will reverse himself, leading to even more churn. And while the stock market is not the economy, all the chaos will continue to take its toll and we will indeed keep slouching toward recession and inflation. Some reporter will ask Trump if he’s worried about stagflation, and he’ll say he doesn’t know about stags, so go ask Eric and Don Jr., since they’re the hunters.

Must be a Friday, all right. Or any other day ending in heavy drinking.

UPDATE: Just in case markets weren’t already crazy enough going into the long weekend, Trump continued to vamp on the theme this afternoon, telling reporters in the White House that he didn’t just mean iPhones, but all smartphones will be subject to the 25 percent tariff until they’re made in the USA.

Just making up policy as it goes along.

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