What It’s Like to Use Surrogacy to Become a Parent – Corporette.com

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We’re thrilled to present a guest post today on what it’s like to use surrogacy to become a parent, from Eva*, a psychologist on the East Coast. We’ve talked a lot about other routes to becoming a parent, from Elizabeth sharing her foster parent experiences as a single woman to my friend Auntie M’s post on freezing her eggs. We’ve also talked about how to decide if you want kids, planning your career for babies, financially planning for children, and advice from women to their pre-mom selves. (Over at CorporetteMoms, a married working mom wrote about her foster care experience.)

Huge thanks to Eva for sharing her experiences with surrogacy. She notes, “there is a wealth of information that I have left out — I am happy to answer questions in the comments and can also give my contact information to the editors.”

Admin update: I’m closing comments because people are being incredibly rude to this guest poster.

What It’s Like to Use Surrogacy to Become a Parent

A couple months ago, my husband and I were standing in a hospital room with Amanda* and her husband, Josh* as Amanda was giving birth to our daughter. The birth had been so much more precipitous than expected, and I felt tears come to my eyes as I saw my daughter’s tiny (tiny!) body.

Not 72 hours later, we were on a plane back to our home state. This is not the path I had envisioned for my journey to parenthood, but it has gotten us to the finish line (twice so far), thanks to science, generous women and their families, and perseverance. 

*Names changed

Why Surrogacy?

My husband and I married fairly young and both had professional aspirations. At the same time, we knew we wanted to be parents, even going so far as to make a list of pros and cons of when we should first attempt to conceive, considering the timing of graduate and professional school. 

We decided to begin NTNP (not trying, not preventing) after a few years of marriage. Because we were busy with school and other matters, we did not think much of it when it did not happen easily. As we neared the end of school, we pursued further fertility testing, which led to four long years of various fertility treatments. 

After many unsuccessful IVF cycles, three doctors, and two clinics, we opted to pursue surrogacy, although we were not certain this would be the answer, either. Our infertility was technically unexplained (i.e., did not fall into a neat diagnostic category). 

The Surrogacy Process

Caveat: I only have experience with gestational surrogacy in the U.S. There are some intended parents who choose to do IVF and/or pursue surrogacy abroad. 

A note on terms: Gestational surrogacy involves using an embryo made by the intended parents’ eggs and sperm, whereas traditional surrogacy is when a surrogate’s own eggs are used with an intended parent’s sperm. Those who are seeking to grow their family via gestational carriers/surrogates are typically called intended parents (IPs). 

IVF

The first step is to create embryos, which (briefly) involves stimulating follicles over the course of a few days to weeks with injectable medications, then retrieving the eggs and fertilizing them with sperm in the lab. 

My husband and I had some cycles in which we created few or no usable embryos, and many cycles in which we attempted to transfer embryos to my uterus but they did not implant. In the process, we still had some embryos ready to go, which was a relief in starting to think about using a gestational carrier. 

We needed to complete FDA screening to allow for these embryos to be transferred to the uterus of a gestational carrier. If we had known from the outset we needed to use a gestational carrier, we could have completed this step while creating the embryos. FDA screening consisted of bloodwork and a basic physical for each of us.

How to Find a Gestational Carrier (GC)

Some intended parents choose to match independently, choosing someone they know or using social media and other sources to find someone interested in being a GC. There are also many agencies and services that can help with matching and “managing the journey.” 

My husband and I decided to use an agency both times, as it can ease some of the burden of logistics. That said, it was still important to be very detail-oriented and have open communication with our GCs.

Agencies vary from “all in” (in which most costs are covered by a flat fee) to more a la carte. Independent journeys are often significantly cheaper, as agency fees can vary quite widely. 

Regardless of the route you choose, typically intended parents and GCs each create some sort of profile containing personal and medical details. In all honesty, I felt it somewhat burdensome to make this profile, as it felt we had to advertise ourselves or prove our worthiness as parents (although this is not how the process IS framed, just my personal feeling).

Many times, your GC may not be from the same state or even region as you, as being limited geographically can greatly increase match times. We have been a medium-length flight away both times.

Typically, once a potential GC has been found and there is mutual interest, a match call is the next step. In this call, everything important to all parties (including the GC’s partner, if applicable) should be discussed, including views on termination, thoughts about the relationship that is desired during the pregnancy and afterward, and who will be in the delivery room. 

For example, some intended parents attend every OB appointment, whereas others get updates from their GC afterward. Intended parents and GCs discuss logistics for labor and delivery, including who will be present for which portions of the process. 

Screening and Transfer

Prospective GCs should be prescreened by the surrogacy agency (if applicable) and should meet basic American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) criteria (see resources at end of post), but also need to attend a medical screening at the reproductive clinic of the intended parents. If the reproductive endocrinologist signs off on the GC’s exam and records, she also undergoes psychological screening. 

Intended parents also must meet with a psychologist during this process to discuss what has brought them to this step, their emotions, and how they plan to discuss their path to parenthood with their child and others. 

Once everyone is screened, medications begin for the transfer cycle, and the GC typically travels back to the intended parents’ clinic for the transfer of the embryo into her uterus. Good quality embryos have a 50-65% chance of implanting and achieving a pregnancy. 

During our first journey, the first transfer was successful (we were so excited!). Our second journey proved a little more difficult — the first transfer failed, the second transfer was a chemical pregnancy, and the third brought us our second daughter (see above about perseverance!). 

Pregnancy

Once a pregnancy is achieved, the reproductive endocrinologist typically provides care until 8-10 weeks, with frequent lab work and ultrasounds to check progress. After this, the GC is released to her OB. At that point, intended parents’ involvement varies (and should be discussed ahead of time!). The GC and IPs also typically collaborate on a birth plan (sometimes with a social worker or agency representative as well) so that everyone knows what to expect at the time of delivery

Depending on the state where the GC lives, a pre- or post-birth order is drafted by lawyers to ensure the intended parents are the legal parents of the baby once they’re born. Pre-birth orders are typically signed prior to the birth of the baby, while post-birth orders need to be finalized by a judge after birth. This distinction should be considered when matching; more information can be found in this surrogacy law map. 

My husband and I preferred to limit our searches to pre-birth-order states to avoid logistical hurdles after birth.

Birth and Beyond

As mentioned above, the birth can look very different, depending on the preferences of the intended parents, GC, and her partner (if applicable). Once the baby is born, intended parents typically (but not always) are provided a separate hospital room to begin bonding, and can usually stay until the baby is discharged. 

We stayed two nights with our first daughter, needing the assistance of nurses as new parents! With our second daughter, we left after one night. We saw our GC at least once post-birth, as is often the case, to help with closure and show them the fruit of their (literal) labor. After consulting with the hospital pediatrician, we scheduled our flight home, within a few days each time. 

Contact between parents and GCs varies after the birth and should be discussed beforehand so that everyone is (hopefully) on the same page. We had a difficult relationship with our first GC and do not often speak with her, although we do text sometimes. I frequently talk on the phone with our second GC and exchange pictures.

Common Questions and Concerns About Surrogacy

How Much Will It Cost?

Although costs vary, this is an expensive process. Compensation for surrogacy can vary VERY widely, from less than $30,000 to more than $90,000. This is just for the time and discomfort of being pregnant — all IVF medication, clinic and physician costs, travel/lodging/meals, legal fees, agency fees (if applicable), etc., are often on top of this base compensation. 

Will I Bond With My Baby? 

This is a common concern among intended parents. It is important to remember that not all gestational parents bond immediately with their baby — this sometimes comes later as we see the first smiles and have more time to get to know their temperament. 

That said, the process is truly set up so that bonding can begin immediately, which I found to be instrumental. In addition, if the gestational carrier is amenable, you can begin bonding even before that. For example, you can ask them to play favorite songs or recordings of your voices during the pregnancy!

Will The GC/Surrogate Be Upset and/or Feel Bonded With the Baby? Will She Try To Keep Them?

Gestational carriers should be thoroughly psychologically screened and prepared for the final step of the process. I have seen some GCs describe it as “extreme babysitting” in which they are “giving the baby to their parents” to help “complete a family.” They should also be given a lot of support in the postpartum period to ease any difficulties in this portion of the journey.

Parentage orders are a final, legal step to protect intended parents should challenges arise at the end of the process. 

I am heavily involved in a variety of groups with GCs and intended parents and have never heard of a case in which a GC did not want to “give up the baby.” 

My Bottom Line and Experiences with Surrogacy

Surrogacy was not an easy process for us, and in particular, we had a very challenging first journey. Nevertheless, I am so thankful that the science exists and that there are women willing to carry babies for those who cannot themselves. My husband and I are beginning to pursue our third and final journey in the coming months. 

Resources

Stock photo via Stencil.